Microsoft Discloses Huge Security Hole

Fake News written by James Baughn on Saturday, December 22, 2001

from the linus-will-receive-a-visit-from-the-fbi dept.

REDMOND, WA -- In a press release issued earlier today, Microsoft announced that its Code Auditing Division had uncovered, in their words, "the greatest security flaw in the history of computing".

That's not a typo. Contrary to popular belief, Microsoft does indeed have a Code Auditing Division employing hundreds of programmers to look at code line by line, byte by byte, GOTO by GOTO and search for possible exploits.

But the C.A.D. won't touch Microsoft software with a ten foot pole. They only look at competitor's software. And last week they stumbled on a huge security hole in Linux.

Microsoft's press release states:

Virtually all version of Linux (and Unix) contain a security hole that allows unauthorized users to gain complete control over the machine. By simply typing "root" at the login prompt and supplying a password from a limited number of possibilities, a malicious user can easily gain administrator privileges. This hole can be breached in seconds with only a dozen or so keystrokes...

We suspect this issue has been known to Red Hat and other Linux distributors for years and they have refused to acknowlege its existence or supply a patch preventing users from exploiting the "root" login loophole.

By ignoring the problem, the Linux community has proven that installing Linux is a dangerous proposition that could get you fired. We would like to point out that Windows XP does not suffer from this gaping hole... Tests conducted by both Ziff-Davis and Mindcraft prove that Windows XP is indeed the most secure operating system ever produced...

This isn't the first time the Code Auditing Division has uncovered a nasty security hole. Last month, the C.A.D. revealed that the entire contents of a Linux hard drive could be completely and irretrievably erased by opening the computer's case, yanking out the hard drive, smashing it into billions of pieces, and then burning the pieces over a hot fire.

Said one C.A.D. staffer, "Even with all of its airy-fairy claims of security, Linux doesn't offer one iota of protection against this kind of malicious attack. Evil users can waltz right in and cause untold damage and the Linux kernel will do nothing to stop its own death. So much for security..."

A technician for Red Hat was able to compose himself long enough issue a reply after rolling of the floor for two hours upon reading the Microsoft press release. He wrote, "We admit it. It's possible to gain superuser access to any Linux machine by typing in 'root' and then providing a password. However, Bill Gates will be 523 years old in cryogenic suspension before the correct password could be guessed on most machines. And our research shows that the people that use poor passwords like 'password', 'root', or their own name are 97% more likely to be using Microsoft products anyway. So there!"

He then added, "In response to the hard drive smashing security hole: again our research shows that 86% of destroyed hard drives were caused by 'tech rage' at the hands of disgruntled Windows users sick and tired of seeing the blue screen for the millionth time. Rest assured, however, that Linux kernel 4.2.0 is scheduled to include time travel capabilities allowing it to detect its future destruction and act accordingly to prevent the problem. So there!"

Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment at press time. Meanwhile, Red Hat stock was up 5% today to close at US$0.00000000000002 per share, ending slightly higher than Humorix stock.

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