Microsoft Signs Exclusive Marketing Deal With Santa Claus
Fake News written by on Sunday, December 23, 2001
NORTH POLE -- Have you been a good boy or girl? If so, then you've wasted your time. Santa Claus, thanks to a partnership inked with Microsoft at the last minute, will be delivering copies of Windows XP along with XBox games (XBox not included) to millions of children across the world.
Naughty children, on the other hand, will receive a lump of coal which, according to our calculations, is 50% more valuable than any Microsoft product. We here at Humorix sincerely hope that you have been naughty this year and will therefore not receive any "gifts" from the Evil Empire.
Last week, Microsoft secretly signed the marketing deal with North Pole Enterprises (formerly eSanta.com during the dotcom bubble). In exchange for agreeing to only distribute Microsoft software and hardware, the Redmond monopoly would "donate" US$20.9 billion worth of products (actual cost: $29.00) to Santa Claus.
North Pole also made a similar deal with the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Privacy Violations. The FBI&PV would allow Santa access to its Carnivore and Echelon systems to make a list of who's been naughty or nice. Then Santa would be allowed to use Magic Lantern to check the list twice. In exchange for these services, Santa's elves must include an FBI&PV backdoor in all software distributed to children.
In a press release, Bill Gates annouced the Microsoft-North Pole-FBI&PV triumverate deal and boasted, "This innovative plan will enable millions of children to get a headstart using Microsoft software and prepare them for living and working in the Windows world of the 21st Century."
The beauty of the plan is that Santa Claus doesn't accept returns. If a child with an Apple computer receives a shiny new upgrade version of Windows XP from Santa... well, tough. Research conducted by Humorix shows that Windows CDs make very poor drink coasters... although Microsoft manuals do work adequately for lining bird cages.
An executive for Apple was outraged over the Microsoft gift-giving scheme. "This is just another attempt to brainwash children into using their products. We should know; this patented strategy is the only thing keeping Apple in business. I wish we would have thought of Santa Claus first!"
Earlier today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs attempted to negotiate a similar deal with the Easter Bunny until he learned that the egg-laying rabbit doesn't exist.
"Everybody knows that the Easter Bunny isn't real," Bill Gates said during a TV interview about the Santa Claus deal. "Steve is such an idiot."