Humorix Declares Bankruptcy; Congress Does Not Launch Inquiry
Fake News written by on Tuesday, February 12, 2002
HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- As the result of shady accounting practices and irrational exuberance, Humorix World Domination, Inc. (formerly Nasdaq: FAUX) has filed for Chapter 10 bankruptcy protection. The US Congress, currently conducting 23 investigations into the failure of Enron Corp., has declined to launch any investigations into the collapse of Humorix, much to the disappointment of Humorix's staff.
"Dammit, one of my life's goals has been to appear before the House Judiciary Committee and plead the Fifth," exclaimed Humorix's lawyer Mr. Noah Morals. "Sheesh, what does it take to get a subpoena these days?"
The Humorix fiduciary crisis came exactly two years after the hiring of Chief Accountant and Executive Book Cooker Mr. G. E. Trich. He explained, while frantically running cooked books through an industrial-strength paper shredder, "OK, so I lied on my employment application. I only obtained a bachelor's degree in Shady Accounting, not a Ph.D. I'm not the expert everyone thought I was. So sue me. Please! I want to have my day in court so that I can appear on CourtTV in front of millions of people and earn my 15 minutes of fame!"
During the past two years, Humorix burned money left and right without showing any kind of profit. The company raised just enough money during its Initial Public Offering to keep it afloat, but only Mr. G. E. Trich was aware of the company's borderline finances. Company founder James Baughn, who rarely attended meetings or, for that matter, hardly ever left the glowing warmth of his CRT, was blissfully unaware of these accounting irregularities. Or at least that's his story. He has been away on an "extended lunch break" for the past month and was therefore unavailable for comment at press time.
Last week the company was unable to pay its bills, including a $18.95 water bill and the $5 monthly membership fee for the Linux Distro Of The Month Club(tm). According to the latest accounting figures (which may or may not have been cooked), Humorix is in the red by $121.73.
In a press release issued by the company yesterday, Mr. G. E. Trich says that the Chapter 10 reorganization should allow the company to continue operations for 10, maybe 20 days at its current burn rate. "We will recover," the sugar-coated release states. "We've outlasted almost every dotcom and we're not about to go under now... at least not until we achieve World Domination."
Humorix stock was delisted from Nasdaq yesterday when it hit $1e-37 per share, setting a new world record for lowest stock price in the history of Capitalism. The Nasdaq computer systems, running on Intel processors, rounded the stock price to zero, setting off a series of Divide By Zero errors. As a result, Nasdaq officials wasted no time eliminating the stock from its trading systems.
For those people who need a quick tax write-off, Humorix stock is now listed at Bob's Over-The-Counter Stocks & Illegal Gambling Center located in the basement of a run-down apartment on Third Street in East St. Louis. Incidentally, several investment firms downgraded the stock from "Sell Immediately You Idiot" to "Counterfeit Money Is More Legitimate Than This Stock", which is still one grade higher than Enron stock.