Angry Stockholder Begins Proxy Fight Over Microsoft Acquisition
Fake News written by on Thursday, February 28, 2002
Next week, Microsoft, Inc. (Nasdaq: MSFT) is scheduled to officially take over Humorix World Domination, Inc. (formerly Nasdaq: FAUX). The acquisition must face one more challenge, however, during an upcoming meeting of what some pundits have called the "pre-assimilation" board. The remaining stockholders, primarily represented by one Melissa S. Baughn, are challenging the direction the Microsoft-dominated board will likely take the company.
"Until the disastrous revelations of Humorix's financial troubles, World Domination by 2005 had been the company's driving goal," a representative for Ms. Baughn said. "Now with Microsoft calling the shots, it appears that goal has completely collapsed. How does this new Redmondian strategy best serve both remaining Humorix shareholders?"
Baughn, though holding only 0.002% of outstanding Humorix stock, made plain in a letter to the other shareholder that she feels, "The Microsoft acquisition is in diametric opposition to the VISION THe founders of this company had. It is time for those of us with the most to lose to call on the Humorix board to live up to the tenants of the 'Humorix Way'." When asked to define the 'Humorix Way', Baughn had no comment.
Melissa Baughn apparently received Humorix stock as a gift. It was unclear what relationship Ms. Baughn had to the company's founder, James Baughn. However, investigations of S.E.C. reports conducted by the vastspy.NET indicate that Ms. Baughn may have received the stock as a tip when she was working at a Stuckies. "At the time I was tempted to use it as fire starter, but it had this silly little penguin on it..." Ms. Baughn wrote in one Usenet post from 1999.
The acquisition has left both former and current Humorix employees ambivalent. One former employee, Mr. G. E. Trich, has found his time at Humorix to have been very valuable. Of the layoff, Trich states, "It was just the motivation I needed to start my own business. I'm now talking with several clients who need just the services I can offer." Trich is now head of Tri-Valley Shredding and Waste Disposal Co. which has just inked a million-dollar contract with bankrupt companies Enron and Global Crossing.
Others have not fared so well. Noah M. Morals, former Chief Counsel & Frivolous Lawsuit Filer for Humorix, Inc. has found his new position as Head Windows Systems Administrator (also called Head Server Rebooter & Bluescreen Babysitter) physically challenging. Morals suffered a massive heart attack as a result of his new duties. Unfortunately, under Microsoft, Humorix has adopted Microsoft's VisualDoctor.NET initiative for employee health care. Says Morals, "I nearly died when the damned labcoat-wearing Paperclip appeared on the server's screen and asked if I was pregnant. I tried to indicate that the pain was in my chest, but that just led 'Clippy' to start asking about lumps in my breasts."
Morals survived but only by phoning M911 (Microsoft's emergency server support team) and insisting that there was a hamster trapped in the mail server's cooling fan that would be macerated if the Exchange server was ever brought up. The responding veterinarians were able to install an artificial bypass system and Mr. Morals seems to be responding well to the immunosupressants.
Analysts are perplexed by the apparent proxy fight proposed by Melissa Baughn. "Even if the other shareholder agrees with Ms. Baughn, they can only muster 0.07% of the voting stock. I see no real possibility for successfully returning the pre-Microsoft board to power, unless there is some 'Act of God' or other bizarre plot twist," stated Ima Tool, pundit for the Ziff Davis Network of Propaganda Outlets. When asked for explanation, Ms. Tool suggested, "The death of the Microsoft-appointed board by smothering in elephant dung would be one possibility. Use your imagination."
In spite of the speculation, it appears that Ms. Baughn's fight is doomed before it even starts. "How could a stockholder with so little influence change the direction of a giant like Microsoft?" asks Kover Al Bas'is, Technology reporter for the Cairo Light and Standard. "Resistance to such a corporate giant will almost certainly prove futile."
However, in the Silicon Valley of California, many analysts are betting on Baughn. "She has an understating of the intentions of the founder that no one from Redmond has taken into account," replied one accountant friend of the Humorix firm. "MS is underestimating Melissa if they think she will just go away. I knew Melisa in junior high, and she is nothing if not persistent," replied another confidant of Ms. Baughn and one of Humorix's regular six readers. Perhaps the most telling comment came from a close friend of James Baughn, the founder of Humorix. "Though James had no influence on the decisions of the current Humorix board, he is greatly encouraged by the actions of Ms. Baughn and looks forward to the day when Humorix can be returned to the control of reasonable people".