Microsoft Advances "Doomsday Watch" To Seven Minutes Before Midnight

Fake News written by Rita Rong on Friday, March 1, 2002

from the we-must-put-children-first-consumers-last dept.

REDMOND, WA -- Earlier today, the Board of Directors at Microsoft Corporation moved the minute hand of the 'Doomsday Watch', the symbol of piracy danger, from nine to seven minutes to midnight. The change reflects growing concerns that the dreaded "Piracyclysm" is close at hand, a point in time when producing software and digital content is no longer profitable and a point when Bill Gates can no longer afford to live in anything larger than a double-wide trailer.

"We should be afraid. Very afraid," said the Microsoft Vice President of Strategery & Long Term Planning For Protecting The Children. "If those hippie long-haired GPL-quoting freaks have their way, software engineers, movie directors, TV actors, fiction authors, and countless other content producers will no longer be able to feed their families. Won't somebody please think of the CHILDREN?"

The Doomsday Watch is a small clock powered by Windows CE that sits on the wall across from Bill Gates' office. Surprisingly, the device has never once crashed and the folks at Guiness Book of World Records are expected to list the Doomsday Watch in the next edition of their book as the World's Most Stable Windows Computer with an uptime approaching an incredible five months.

Greg Bundy, a member of the Microsoft Board of Directors, explained their rationale for advancing the watch two closer minutes to the Piracyclysm. "There's troubling signs everywhere. For instance, if this country cared about protecting intellectual property rights, the SSSCA bill would've become law years ago. Instead, a bunch of weak-kneed tech companies and self-proclaimed 'consumer advocates' are opposing this extremely moderate and radically reasonable bill. What next? Abolishing copyrights?"

Mr. Bundy also pointed to the growing popularity of Linux and Open Source software as a serious danger sign. "What those Communists propose is nothing short of eliminating software and putting us back in the pre-computer age of typewriters and slide rules. They talk about freedom but then advocate the elimination of the fundamental human rights of developers to commercialize their software. What's the end result? Less research, less projects developed, less economic growth, and less taxes paid, which will cause governments to have less money to spend on the CHILDREN. We will only succeed in preventing the Piracyclysm if we enact the SSSCA and ban all software distributed under a Communistic license such as the GPL."

Another Microsoft executive painted an even darker picture. "Millions of teenagers are running around and infringing copyrights," explained the Microsoft Vice President of Media Relations & Preaching To The Choir. First it starts with making an illegal copy of Microsoft Golf Cart Simulator. Then they start installing multiple copies of Windows from one CD. Next they develop Communist Open Source software. Before long they fall into a life of crime and go on a rampage of drug abuse, rape, and murder. We must stop this cycle of crime. We must fight piracy -- the number one gateway to violent crime -- to help protect the CHILDREN."

"You can help us in this fight against the Piracyclysm. We cannot let society devolve into a free-for-all of stealing and copying. If you suspect your child or neighbor's child is engaging in piracy, please call 1-800-U-SNITCH or visit http://www.waronpiracy.com/snitch.asp right now to help break the cycle before they become VIOLENT THIEVES and MURDERERS."

Eric "Stealing" Raymond and Richard "Marxist" Stallman were both unavailable for comment at press time. Well, actually, we didn't try to contact them -- why would we here at HumoriXP want to infect this fine publication with their vile anti-Capitalism, pro-crime rhetoric?

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