Librarians Change Stance, Support SSSCA

Fake News written by Fred U. Daylor on Sunday, March 3, 2002

from the we-don't-need-no-stinkin-archives dept.

A new study conducted by Buy-a-Study Labs, Inc. reveals that a startling 72% of librarians support more restrictive copyright laws. Dr. Thuhdata, the author of the study, remarked, "This clearly shows an upswell of public support for such laws as the SSSCA. The fact that Congress has dragged its feet in enacting this extremely reasonable bill is proof that many Congresscritters have been bought by special interest groups such as the GNU Project, Napster, Red Hat, and TiVo."

Many of the librarians polled commented that the need to archive content, one of the key arguments against the SSSCA, is no longer a pressing issue. "So what if we lose the ability to archive every copyrighted work published since 1978?" explained one librarian that lives in Sen. Fritz Hollings' home district. "Most of it is crap anyway. What will future generations think of their ancestors if they have access to all of the bilge spewing out of Hollywood right now? There's absolutely no reason to archive this stuff. Therefore, libraries will soon become obsolete."

Another survey participant said, "One of prime motivations for libraries over the last century is to increase literacy and foster a love of reading and learning. But in the 21st Century, who cares? What good is increasing literacy if the only things people are going to read are '...For Dummies' books, 'Harlequin Romance' novels, and 'You might already be a winner!' junk mail advertisements."

One anti-SSSCA librarian did point out that all of the wonderful books from before 1923 now in the public domain wouldn't be available if strict copyright laws had been enacted back then. "We wouldn't have 'The Scarlet Letter' and 'For Whom The Bell Tolls' and 'The Red Pony'. School children would go through English class without being required to read and memorize and analyze and discuss such masterpieces. What a loss that would be!"

Actually, in this unbiased reporter's opinion, losing all of those 'classics' from the public domain would represent a huge bonus. Why waste time studying the symbolism of The Scarlet Letter and its relation to Greek mythological archetypes when students can instead learn more practical lessons, such as why illegal copying of digital music hurts the CHILDREN of everybody in the recording industry.

In the conclusion of the study, Dr. Thuhdata writes, "It's obvious that librarians are now facing up to reality: for years they've been engaged in the outright theft of countless books and other copyrighted works. They can't ignore this moral problem for much longer."

US Sen. Fritz Hollings (D-Mickey Mouse) has proposed an amendment to the SSSCA which would provide $250 million in Federal grants to help retrain former librarians for other careers that benefit instead of hurt society, such as participating in the government's new "War On Piracy" campaign.

"Too many of my fellow Congressmen are currently residing in the back pockets of special interests that support terrorism against copyrights," Hollings said to this reporter while on his way to a fundraiser event sponsored by Disney and AOL/Time Warner. "My only hope is that my colleagues will eventually come around and see the light. This completely unbiased and impartial study by Dr. Thuhdata should give me the ammunition I need in this fight."

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