Microsoft Acquisition Of Humorix Thwarted By Anti-Trust Laws
Fake News written by on Tuesday, March 19, 2002
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The I's had been dotted and the T's crossed. The former staff of Humorix had already undergone the mandatory Microsoft re-education and re-orientation training. All copies of Linux had been purged from HumoriXP World Headquarters and a VB.NET program was under development to delete all pro-Linux articles from the archives.
Yet even with all these preparations, the Microsoft acquisition bluescreened after the DOJ filed anti-trust charges -- not against Microsoft, but against Humorix World Domination, Inc. (no longer Nasdaq: FAUX).
Last week, the Department of Justice blocked the acquisition while pursuing an investigation of Humorix. After their investigation revealed "extremely dangerous abuses of monopoly power by the staff of Humorix", the deal was off.
"An upstanding corporation like Microsoft simply doesn't want to associate itself with a company accused of violating anti-trust laws," explained one Microsoft PR flack. "What would our customers think? No, defending monopoly abuse charges in court would be a distraction that would prevent us from developing quality new products like Windows RC or Bob.NET. We can't stand for that."
A lawyer for the DOJ explained some of the charges leveled against Humorix. "They maintain a near monopoly on the low-budget, low-quality Linux and geek humor market. This market has roughly five potential customers, four of which are regular Humorix readers (the fifth is an irregular reader). That's a monopoly. Moreover, Humorix has abused its monopoly position by embracing and extending other humor topics such as dumb copyright laws, stupid Hollywood movie executives, and corrupt politicians."
The lawyer added, "Also, some Humorix staff members are attempting to create their own independent geek island paradise known as Humorixia. It seems Humorix is attempting to monopolize freedom and happiness. We can't let that happen."
In response to the charges, Humorix lawyer Noah Morals (just back from un-re-education training) has agreed to sign a consent decree with the DOJ in which Humorix promises not to break any more anti-trust laws. A special master will be appointed to oversee Humorix operations from his secluded retreat in the Bahamas and will be empowered to tell us "Stop doing that!" by e-mail every time we do something monopolyish.
Humorix has also been able to temporarily solve its money problems. Jon Splatz happened to find a $20 bill on the ground while walking home to his apartment after attending a seminar entitled "Readjusting To Life Outside Microsoft" sponsored by the local Linux User Group. This money will be used to make the monthly minimum payment to our creditors (we currently owe $121.73, plus $1,573.29 in interest) and will pull us out of bankruptcy -- for awhile.
So, now that we've thrown off the yoke of our Redmond and Washington oppressors, we can get back to the normal business of poking fun at Redmond and Washington.