Microsoft Runs Out Of Ideas
Fake News written by on Thursday, March 28, 2002
REDMOND, WA -- In what analysts call an inevitable crisis, Microsoft has postponed release of Windows PU, the next version of its flagship operating system. Insiders say that the problem is due to the fact that no one in Redmond has any ideas for improvements. Some have suggested reliability improvements, but these were discarded as being "contrary to the Microsoft culture."
The problem, it appears, is due to the fact that Microsoft's aggressive marketing and penchant for adding features to Windows which were once separate software sold by other companies. The latest such move was when the Redmond, Washington firm incorporated its Office Suite into its operating system.
A Silicon Valley venture capitalist who requested anonymity told Humorix that there is no longer any competition for Microsoft due to the reluctance of developers to expose their innovative ideas to a market which is "patrolled by Jaws." "There was a time," he says, "when people would start a company and then wait to be bought out by MS, but the profit in this approach has disappeared since Microsoft's acquisition of Apple Computer and Intel." Microsoft no longer is willing to pay a fair market price for new products simply, "because it has eliminated the concept of a free market."
According to a stock analyst for a large New York brokerage, who also refuses to allow its name to be printed, tells us that Microsoft's rise was made possible by its ability to watch the software market, copy the best new products and then drive the creators out of business. "Now," he says, "There are no more innovators to feed Microsoft with new ideas. It's sad. An end to an era."
Others say that Microsoft's growth had been fueled by the Moore's law cycle: Each new processor or other improvement in hardware would be followed by a new version of Windows which would have the effect of slowing it down to the speed of the old systems. But now, people have recognized what was happening and are only buying new computers when the old ones cease to function. There is a grass roots market of techs who will keep old boxes running now that new systems are more expensive than the previous generations, another effect of Microsoft's ownership of all the hardware manufacturers.
Reached for Comment, William Gates, III would only deny the reports and attributed the delays to "efforts to improve security of our product before we release it to the market." But others point out that the last four releases have been increasingly short on new features and rich in new animated "tools" and new graphics. Former competitors of Microsoft were contacted for comment, but refused due to threats of being sued. "Who needs the grief?" said one, "I've got mine. I'm Old Money now. Why beat my head against a black monolith?"