Microsoft Plan To Kill Off Linux Fails
Fake News written by on Friday, March 29, 2002
Through a Microsoft employee who thought he was still reporting to vastspy.NET, the real Vast Spy Network(tm) learned about a new ploy to kill off Linux: Microsoft will port of all its applications, most notably Office, to Linux, and make Word install symlinks that invoke it whenever someone wants to run vi, emacs, kword, kate, kwrite, gedit, nedit, lyx, abiword, or thousands of other half-finished open source text and document editors. The goal of this, of course, will be to "make Linux easier to use".
"It is the best way to kill Linux for good", states an internal Microsoft memo. "By making them use Word, we can expect the productivity of all Linux developers to go down by at least 94%. That's even better than the productivity loss we'd achieve by the other investigated method, hiring George Dubya to throw nukes at all Linux companies for providing terrorists with an operating system for free."
The memo adds, "We will also allow Linux users who left a credit card number in their Passport account to connect to windowsupdate.microsoft.com, and offer a 'security update' to the kernel which actually installs Windows XP without a description. That should wipe out any remaining productivity."
Since nobody in his right mind would install any Microsoft software (and Linux users are typically in their right mind), Microsoft had to be creative in getting users to install Microsoft Office for Linux. Microsoft developed a VBScript virus that automatically downloads Office from a warez server, installs it, and distributes the VBScript virus to everyone else through an internal spambot.
Initial testing was negative, though. "We received only 12 replies from sending the virus to the Redmond Linux User Group", the memo goes on to explain, "11 of which complained about our use of a bad format (whatever that may mean), and another one threatened to sue us for spamming unless we pay $2000 for his network traffic. I have ordered the Outlook development team to remove the 'disable VBScript in emails' button, but unfortunately this means we won't have much success with this until Outlook RC is released." This memo was written by Claus U. Less, Senior Executive Manager of the Department of Monopolization and Establishing Despotism.
Fortunately, through the recent merger of the Anti-Linux, Anti-Freedom and Monopoly Departments at Microsoft, the originator failed to notice that many other email clients besides Outlook exist. Unfortunately, the original memo can't be presented to the judge presiding over the antitrust case because the document was lost forever when Mr. Less opened a spammer's attachment only minutes later.