April Fool's Day Conspiracy
Fake News written by on Saturday, April 6, 2002
The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has done it again. Our spies have unraveled yet another global conspiracy, this time involving one of the biggest cover-ups in the history of cover-ups. "April Fool's Day" is an invention by an unholy alliance of Big Evil Companies (BECs) and Big Bloated Governments (BBGs) to fool all of the sheeple into ignoring real news stories published on April 1st.
According to secret documents not obtained by the Vast Spy Network(tm), April Fool's Day originates from a clandestine meeting of world leaders that took place on April 1, 1902 somewhere in Europe. The goal was to invent a holiday during which people would assume all news stories were bogus. In this way, scandalous and controversial news could be quietly released by BECs and BBGs and these stories would remain unnoticed by the public.
"It's a brilliant strategy," one informant told us. This source claims to be the grandson of a half-brother of a neighbor of a janitor that overheard a discussion about the April Fool's Meeting while waiting at a train station. He continued, "They can announce a tax increase or a new draconian policy on April 1 and everybody will assume the story was intended as a prank. By April 2nd, the bad news is completely forgotten and the company or government can get away with whatever they want."
For instance, our spies uncovered a Securities and Exchange Commission filing by Enron made April 1, 2001. In this document the company stated in fine print that, "We advise anybody still holding Enron stock to refrain from quitting their day jobs..." and "We have $12.52 left in our company bank account and our accountants aren't sure if that money is even ours..." Of course, anybody who happened to read this S-1 filing just assumed (like everything else published that day) this was an April Fool's gag perpetrated by some bored SEC employee. Instead, it was another salvo in the long-running April Fool's Day Conspiracy.
This year, several real stories broke that were dismissed by almost everybody as fake news. Microsoft announced a change to the End User License Agreement for Windows XP that makes it illegal to install or use software covered by the GNU General Public License within one hundred feet of a Microsoft product. A press release issued April 1 from Redmond stated that the licensing change was intended "...to ensure the best possible computing experience for our users and to protect Microsoft's valuable intellectual property rights from anti-American Communist sympathizers..." The press release, with the headline "Microsoft Plots World Domination By Banning Open Source Software", was dismissed as an outlandish parody produced by some anti-Microsoft humor website. Nobody suspected the story was an authentic product of the Microsoft Marketing & Brainwashing Department.
In addition, the Federal Bureau of Investigation & Privacy Violations issued the result of an internal study which concluded that even if the Carnivore/DCS-1000/Whatever spyware program was deployed at every single ISP in the country, only 0.000000000000000000001% of crimes would be prevented or uncovered by the technology. Naturally, the Feds didn't want those left-leaning Libertarian Constitution-quoting right-wing zealots to get ahold of this little gem, so they buried the story on April Fool's Day.
Apparently Fritz Hollings (D-Mickey Mouse) also had plans to take advantage of the April Fool's opportunity, but an internal miscommunication among his staff caused everybody's favorite senator to miss the boat. He was going to announce a new law under consideration (the "It's For The Children Act With A Really Long Name That Nobody Can Pronounce Or Remember" [IFTCAWARLNTNCPOR]) that would make it an impeachable offense for any fellow member of Congress to vote against a bill with the words "It's For The Children" in the title, including bills that have nothing to do with the children or any other feel-good topic. At any rate, Sen. Hollings was unable to capitalize on the Conspiracy and so the bill will thankfully remain on the drawing board until next year. (We haven't received word yet on whether Hollywood will demand a refund of their campaign contributions because Hollings was unable to deliver the bill they ordered and paid for.)
We here at Humorix would like to point out that the we didn't publish any April Fool's Day articles this year because we did not want to be associated with this, one of the evilest of evil conspiracies. It's not because we were too lazy to create any amusing April Fool's Day pranks, we just didn't want to align ourselves with any shadowy organizations. Well, okay, so maybe we were lazy and maybe we couldn't think of anything funny to publish on April 1st. That still doesn't make the Conspiracy any less horrible or terrible!