Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory Of Everything

Fake News written by James Baughn on Tuesday, April 16, 2002

from the forget-everything-you-know-about-conspiracies dept.

Since its inception in 1998, Humorix has sponsored a multi-dozen dollar project to seek out and hire the best conspiracy theorists from around the globe and allow them to collaborate in our state-of-the-art 5,000 square feet conspiracy theory research lab deep within the sub-sub-basement of Humorix World Headquarters(tm).

We are proud to announce that the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm) has finally unveiled the most daring achievement of modern conspiriology: the Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory Of Everything (GUCTOE).

"We have been able to unify every single known conspiracy into one elegant theory," explained Mennon Black, head conspiriologist at Humorix. "Albert Einstein dedicated much of his life to finding a Grand Unified Theory that fully explained the natural laws of the Universe. He never reached that point. We, however, have taken a much different approach and instead only focused on finding a unified theory of conspiracy theories. We have reached that point and now know the secret of Everything, although we are still unclear about Life and the Universe. We're pretty sure the answer isn't 42, however."

"The skeptics kept hounding us with skepticism about our conspiracy research," explained assistant conspiriologist Mr. N. Saine. "But now we've proven them wrong. The good conspiracy theorists can expand their theories and invent new ad-hoc hypotheses to explain any contradictory facts or observations that would otherwise falsify their theories. The really good conspiracy theorists -- like us -- can expand our theories to account for every single conflicting fact, every single contradictory observation, and every single competing conspiracy theory ever encountered by mankind since the dawn of civilization."

Back in 1999, the Humorix conspiracy researchers successfully united conspiracy theories regarding UFOs and JFK. "It seemed natural to join these two field of conspiriology to produce TINFOIL-HATS (Theory Integrating Numerous Flying Object Incidents Likely Having Associations To Slayings), a unified theory that explained the JFK assassination (and other sinister plots) in terms of alien involvement and a government coverup," Black said.

From there, the group produced SCREWBALL (Supposition Connecting Roswell Evidence With Beliefs About Lost Lieutenants), a unified theory linking the Roswell alien crash to the string of military airplane disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle. By early 2001, the researchers had reached DELUSIONS (Direct Evidence Linking UFO Sightings, Intersteller Oddities, and Natural Selection), a conjecture that all life on earth was seeded by aliens.

At this point, however, the conspiracy theorists hit a snag. "It was simply too much," Mennon Black explained. "From ESP to ghosts to to Echelon to Big Brother to UFOs to astrology to the moon landing hoax to contrails to Area 51 to the Loch Ness Monster to the Illuminati to Microsoft to Pinky and the Brain to Major League Baseball to cold fusion to Communists to the New World Order to crop circles to cattle mutilations to black helicopters to TWA Flight 800 to Senator Fritz Hollings, we simply couldn't keep track of all the conspiracies."

It was at this point that assistant researcher N. Saine had a brainstorm. "What if all the conspiracy theories were completely wrong?" From this the group worked long hours and took even longer coffee breaks and eventually achieved the holy grail of conspiriology.

The grand unified conspiracy theory works like this: Every single other conspiracy theory has been deliberately crafted by dark, sinister forces (hereinafter referred to as "They") and then implanted into society (mostly through Usenet, but also via FOX, the National Enquirer, and other prestigious media outlets). The goal of these contrived conspiracy theories -- ranging from Roswell to Elvis -- is to lead us off the track and away from the Truth.

Every minute we watch a FOX special on the moon landing hoax or an alien autopsy is one less minute we have free to investigate Them and the Truth. Every minute we spend speculating on the Orwelling nightmare the FBI and CIA are leading us towards is one less minute we have available to ponder the even more sinister nightmare future They are pushing us towards. Every minute we debate about Elvis' or Diana's or JKF's death is one less minute we have to ponder questions about who They are, what They represent, when They plan to implement their evil plans, and where They plan on taking us. Every minute we complain about the conspiracy by the MPAA and RIAA to turn the Internet into pay-per-view television is one less minute to rebel against the plans drafted by Them to turn the world into a living hell.

There's still a few rought spots in the theory to iron out. "Okay, so we don't know who They are or how They have been so successful in crafting these conspiracy theories designed to divert us away from the real conspiracy," Mr. Black admitted. "We really don't know what They have in store for us. And we certainly don't know how to stop them. But at least we can start working on those problems instead of being distracted by mindless paranoia about contrails or Microsoft Passport..."

Humorix's researchers are scheduled to present their Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory of Everything at the next meeting of ConConCon, the Connecticut Conspiracy Convention, to be held in May.

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