Deutsche Bahn Receives Special Delivery From Google
Fake News written by on Thursday, April 18, 2002
In response to Deutsche Bahn's pending lawsuit against Google for linking to a now non-existent page about how to sabotage railroad signals, Google has delivered 13.6 metric tons of computer printouts to DB's corporate headquarters. The stack of dead trees includes the text of every single website in Google's database that includes the word "railroad" (and then some), any one of which could be the grounds for yet another DB lawsuit.
"We're giving Deutsche Bahn the chance to peruse our links database and mark off any website they find objectionable," Google's Vice President Of Covering Our Asses said. "Obviously, we don't have the time or manpower to go through and remove any link that somebody, somehow, somewhere might not like. So we're passing the buck to DB."
Google delivered the printouts by truck convoy from its subsidiary German office earlier this morning. It was deemed wiser to make the shipment via Autobahn instead of Deutsche Bahn, considering that any railroad system operating under security-through-litigation is likely to be highly sabotage-able.
"The lawyers at DB seem to think that we have the magical ability to personally inspect and approve every single item in our database," the Veep of C.O.A. explained. "We're turning the tables by showing them what's it like. We don't want to hear any excuses from DB about our special delivery. It's their problem now."
According to quick back-of-the-envelope wild-ass-guesses calculated by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), it will take Deutsche Bahn approximately 195 man-years to go through the printouts and inspect every website to make sure it doesn't violate German law or contain other grounds for filing a lawsuit.
Google has offered to deliver similar printouts to other lawsuit-happy companies, for a small fee. "If you think our database contains a website with a link to another website with a link to another website with a link to a news article that paints your company in a less than favorable light, too bad. But if you think our database contains a website that violates the law, please let us know and we'll dispatch our fleet of trucks to make the delivery. Please prepare at least 5,000 square feet of empty space before we arrive."
Deutsche Bahn lawyers, which were frantically trying to find a warehouse to temporarily store the deluge of printouts before the next rainstorm hits, were obviously unavailable for comment at press time, and will probably be unavailable for quite some time.