Insurance Company To Offer Microsoft Audit Protection Plans
Fake News written by on Monday, April 22, 2002
LOUDON, TENNESSEE -- Companies, organizations, and government agencies all across the world are facing a disaster of epic proportions: the impending invasion of the Microsoft Intellectual Property Police. To counter this menace, Loydds of Loudon, Tennessee, the prestigious insurance firm, has started to offer "Audit Insurance" to protect against unexpected "random" audits from everybody's favorite software monopoly.
"We've received numerous inquiries about this type of protection," company co-founder Bob Loydds said. "Your typical businessman is no longer worried about earthquakes, fires, or other natural disasters. The big fear of the 21st Century comes from Redmond in the form of man-made disasters made by Bill Gates."
Starting next month, Loydds will launch several levels of audit insurance. The Platinum level of service will insure corporations for up to $500,000 against Microsoft disasters. Under the Silver service plan, Loydds agents will maintain a database of your Microsoft licenses and trained representatives and bouncers will be on hand during any Microsoft "random" audits. Finally, the Gold plan offers emergency site-wide Linux deployment in the event of "Defcon 95", a code-name Lloyds uses for those dire but increasingly common situations in which an entire company must ditch all copies of Windows within 30 days to avoid multi-multi-million dollar audits and lawsuits.
"Loydds will assembly the best license managers and bouncers the industry offers to protect your business against Microsoft's lawyers and mobsters," Bob Loydd boasted. "If a Microserf starts snooping around your premises for evidence of non-Microsoft software during a 'random' audit, our bouncers will take care of the problem. Our license managers know how to deal with Microsoft auditors and won't let some hired goon from Redmond intimidate you into spending millions of dollars per year for software you don't need."
The insurance firm is currently in negotiations with Red Hat and other Linux vendors to form the "Red Berets", an elite squad of Linux geeks trained to rapidly install Linux and hide all traces of Windows on every computer within an organization. During a Defcon 95 emergency, Loydds will airlift the squadron -- along with several crates of Linux CDs -- to any position in the country within hours. The Red Berets will wipe away all vestiges of Microsoft software so that when the auditors show up they won't have anything to audit. After the Microserfs depart, the Red Beret commandos will return and quickly restore all computers back to Windows. (The assumption, of course, is that once companies get a taste of Linux, they won't want to ever go back.)
Loydds has not yet decided on the premium rates it will charge for its services. Preliminary research indicates that businesses and schools in those states that sued Microsoft for anti-trust violations are 25% more likely to be "randomly" audited at lawyerpoint. Likewise, those states with attorney generals in the back pocket of Microsoft are far less likely to be invaded by Microsoft's black unmarked helicopters.
"When we roll out these insurance plans we'll have a monopoly on the anti-Microsoft protection market," Bob Loydds said. "But don't worry, we'll maintain fair rates and won't abuse our position." He added, "Considering all of the man-centuries that have been wasted by companies cataloging all of their Microsoft licenses and preparing for audits, I can't believe nobody has offered this kind of protection before... I'm gonna get rich from this..."