Mass Exodus From Hollywood

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, May 6, 2002

from the not-gonna-take-it-any-more dept.

During the past week, over 150 Hollywood actors, musicians, writers, directors, and key grips have quit their day jobs and moved to the Midwest to engage in quieter occupations such as gardening or accounting. All of the these people cite the fear of piracy as the number one reason for giving up their careers.

"I simply can't sit by and let my hard work be stolen by some snot nosed punk over the Internet," explained millionaire movie director Steve Bergospiel. "There's absolutely no incentive to create movies if they're going to be transmitted at the speed of light by thousands of infringers. Such criminal acts personally cost me hundreds -- no, thousands -- of dollars. I can't take that kind of fear and abuse anymore."

MPAA President Pei Pervue considers the exodus to be proof that Hollywood is waking up to the fact that they are being "held hostage" by copyright infringers. "Without copyright protection and government-backed monopolies on intellectual property, these's absolutely no reason to engage in the creative process. Now the Internet, with its click-and-pirate technology, makes it easy for anybody to flout the law and become a copyright terrorist. With the scales tipped so much in favor of criminals, it's no wonder Hollywood's elite have decided to throw in the towel and turn their efforts to other occupations in which their hard work won't be stolen by others. What a shame."

Former guitar player Sow Ergrayps took a job as a stained glass window maker in Keokuk, Iowa. "I got sick and tired of seeing MP3s of my band's music at every nook and cranny of the Net. Now I'm devoting my creative talents to something that evil pirates won't be able to steal." [Editor's Note: Actually, we've received word that the plans for one of Mr. Ergrayps' windows has already been photocopied and posted to various online file-trading services.]

Another ex-Hollywoodian said sharply, "If we don't start passing strict laws against copying, Hollywood is going to become a ghost town within ten years. The entire film, music, television, and publishing industries will be wiped out." The same doomsayer said this doom: "And if the government doesn't stop harassing Microsoft for anti-trust violations, the entire economy will collapse and 500 million Americans will lose their jobs."

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) assures us that there's little reason for geeks to panic over the Hollywood defections so far. The supply of new "Simpsons" and "South Park" episode will continue unabated as long as those shows remain profitable, and the release schedule for "Star Wars" prequels, "The Matrix" sequels, and "Lord of the Rings" remains unchanged. The only noticeable effect is that new releases by several boy bands will be delayed until replacement audio engineers can be found, but we here at Humorix consider this to be good news.

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