Solving The Virus Problem Once And For All

Fake News written by James Baughn on Tuesday, May 7, 2002

from the pavlov-would-be-proud dept.

ZANESVILLE, OHIO -- System administrators across the globe have tried installing anti-virus software. They've tried lecturing employees not to open unsolicited email attachments. They've tried installing firewalls and the latest security patches. But even with these precautions, email viruses continue to rank third only to Solitaire and the Blue Screen Of Death in the amount of lost productivity they cause. Meanwhile, Microsoft Exchange and LookOut! remain as the number one virus delivery products on the market today.

But maybe not for much longer. A group of disgruntled administrators have teamed up to produce and sell a brand new way to fight viruses, one that attacks the root of the problem: stupid users.

Salivating Dogs, Inc. of Ohio has unveiled the "Clue Delivery System" (CDS), a small device that plugs into the back of a standard PC keyboard and delivers a mild electric shock whenever the luser does something stupid. The device is triggered by a Windows program that detects when the luser attempts to open an unsolicited email attachment or perform another equally dangerous virus-friendly action.

"What's great about the Clue Delivery System is that the device is completely hidden within the keyboard and cannot be easily disabled," boasted the President of Salivating Dogs, Inc. "While electric shock therapy might not be the most efficient nor the most ethical method to deliver clues to lusers, we feel that desperate times call for desperate measures. Just about every system administrator in the industry is going to want a whole stack of these things."

The company does have plans to offer a slightly more humane method of clue delivery. This upcoming (but still vaporware) device, known simply as the Idiot Identification Interface, connects with a company's loudspeaker system and automatically broadcasts a humiliating message such as "Bob Smith in Accounting has just opened an email attachment containing the Klez virus. What an idiot!".

Unfortunately, the team responsible for adding macro capabilities to Microsoft LookOut! was unavailable for comment at press time. Even more unfortunately, a spokesperson for the Federal Bureau of Investigation & Privacy Violations was available for comment at press time, and he said, "Wow, we at the Bureau would sure love to get our hands on these and set them up to be remote activated. If we could require all new computers to come preinstalled with these electroshock devices, we could completely eliminate piracy, hacking, and independent thought. What a bright future!"

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