HP Drops Dell, Picks Up Dellbert's
Fake News written by on Wednesday, July 24, 2002
In a surprise change of strategy, Hewlett-Packard dropped its contract to supply printers to Dell in order to partner with rival Dellbert's Computer Store of Hooteewayfield, Alabama. While the demand for new printers for Dellbert computers will be, in the words of HP's spokesweasel, "slightly lower" than for Dell, the company still expects to come out ahead.
"Since Dell is about to come out with their own line of printers, we had no choice but to stop taking their money," said the spokesweasel. "We would rather our printers rot in a vacant warehouse than go to some company that is conniving against us."
Tom Dellbert, founder of the computer store (now with two locations!), was obviously ecstatic over the deal. "Thanks to this deal, my customers will receive a 1.2% discount on all HP printers bundled with a new computer. Maybe I'll be able to increase my average weekly computer sales from fifteen to twenty!"
The annoying Dell commercial guy, acting as the company's official spokesdude, was visibly upset. "Before, we would sell HP printers and HP would make money. Now HP is not letting us sell their printers, so they will not make money. I don't get it. Dude, I'm getting a headache."
Microsoft's Chief Bloatware Architect was also visibly upset over the news. "If I pulled something like this," he said, "entire squadrons of anti-trust lawyers would invade my mansion's thirty front doors. Of course, I could easily win any court battles by simply playing the standard the-economy-will-collapse-if-Microsoft's- freedom-to-innovative-is-infringed card... but it would be a real bother. How come nobody ever accuses HP of monopolistic tactics, but every time I sneeze, somebody always assumes it's all part of a vast conspiracy to wipe out -- spit -- Linux?"
Dell executives predict that the company will not be able to offer its own line of printers for at least another two months. In the meantime, all new Dell computer systems will come bundled with driving directions on reaching the nearest CompUSSR Superstore that carries HP printers. "Our customers that insist on getting screwed by the HP cartridge tax will still be able to, but they will just have to work a little harder during this transition phase..."