Geeks Desperate For A Microsoft Accounting Scandal
Fake News written by on Thursday, August 8, 2002
For the past several weeks, Linux longhairs from across the globe have been glued to their television sets watching the financial news while hoping and praying that Microsoft will join the growing list of corporations embroiled in accounting scandals.
"I want to be the first to hear the news that Bill Gates is going to jail," said Eric Pilkington, a Linux zealot who spends 12 hours a day hacking on half-finished open source projects and the other 12 hours glued to financial TV channels.
With the collapse of WorldCom, Enron, Andersen Accounting, Adelphia, Tyco, AOL/TW, and others, many industry observers are shocked that Microsoft has remained scandal-free and Congressional-inquiry-resistant.
"This can't last forever," said one pundit who recently shorted Microsoft stock. "We all know their stock options system is a glorified pyramid scheme designed to avoid paying Federal income taxes. Eventually it's going to collapse."
Nevertheless, the absense of Microsoft from the list of bankrupt companies has sent many geeks into a serious state of frustration. "It's been nothing but bad news for the geek community the past couple years," explained Slashdot poster #534,634. "DMCA, UCITA, MPAA, RIAA, SSSCA, ICANN, BSA... the list of anti-geek acronyms goes on and on. Oh please, can't we have at least one piece of good news this year?"
The problem, of course, is that Microsoft doesn't need to cook the books to show a profit. If anything, the company has probably engaged in reverse-cooking to make themselves look worse so that the courts and the Department of Justice will go easy on them in the pending anti-trust case. "By deflating their accounting numbers to make it look like they have competition, Microsoft can avoid the wrath of Sherman and Clayton while freely continuing on their wallet-domination plans," said one anonymous pundit who always happens to show up with a handy quotation.
Other industry observers point out that Enron and friends probably lost so much money because of their reliance on Microsoft software with its expensive licensing requirements. "Big companies spend gigabucks just to hire people to manage and track all of their EULAs and COAs. That kind of drain will impact even the strongest business. Expect to see more bankruptcies as other companies trip and fall over the Microsoft tax..."
Another person we spoke to, however, thought this entire story was just another thinly-disguised way to bash Microsoft senseless and wasn't really a proper fake news article at all.