Microsoft: Would You Like Fries With That?

Fake News written by Ann Oneemuss on Tuesday, October 8, 2002

from the insert-wallet-and-press-enter-to-continue dept.

REDMOND, WA -- While digging through a trash barrel, a member of the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) uncovered a document detailing Microsoft's proposed pricing scheme for future versions of Windows. The document, which features large labels saying "CONFIDENTIAL", "NOT TO LEAVE MICROSOFT CAMPUS", and "Do NOT throw in trash cans that pesky journalists have been known to dig through", describes an ambitious Microsoft plan to separate more fools from their money.

Under this plan, every single component of Windows (and other Microsoft "solutions") will cost extra. The core Windows system (consisting of the splash screen, a couple EXEs, some DLLs, and the BSOD) will cost one price, while everything else must be purchased ala carte. In particular, the base system will not contain any security mechanisms whatsoever; anybody who doesn't want their system to be turned into a DDOS zombie 5.2 seconds after going online will need to also pay for the "Fries" module (an acronym for "Fries Really Increases & Enhances Security").

Fries, however, only provides basic security. When Microsoft says "basic", they mean "it can be easily bypassed by hitting ESCAPE three times at any password prompt". For maximum security (if such a concept is possible using a Microsoft product), users will need to purchase 36 additional modules while keeping track of all of the accompanying End User License Agreements for each.

Other extraneous tools, such as the Start Menu, Control Panel, Command Prompt, FAT32 Filesystem, and Explorer, will all need to be purchased as add-ons under Microsoft's revised pricing scheme. The only thing that will come bundled free with the core Windows system is Solitaire -- and that's the version rigged so that nobody can beat it (the real, unrigged version costs extra). Oops, we almost forgot: Windows will also come bundled free with "PJNWJFPKJ04.DLL" (the name doesn't mean anything). This program monitors all of your keystrokes and mouse movements and funnels the data back to Microsoft and the FBI... for your protection, AT NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE!

Meanwhile, the intercepted document reveals that users will have to purchase additional licenses for each CPU in their system. Microsoft, of course, has defined "CPU" in such a way that the controllers on video cards, modems, and other peripherals all count towards the total number of CPUs. If anybody asks, Microsoft will argue that all of these "CPUs" are being driven (directly or indirectly) by the Windows code and that running multiple copies of Windows code simultaneously with only one license is a form of piracy.

Oops, we almost forgot about another special DLL that will also come bundled with Windows for free. This program ("LK4LKHJPOQ.DLL", another meaningless name) watches your keystrokes and builds up a profile of each user based on their typing style. For instance, the program will know when a different user sits down at the keyboard based on their typing speed, whether they use the left or right SHIFT keys more frequently, how often they correct mistakes by using BACKSPACE, and other variables. If the DLL detects that another user has logged in, Windows will automatically demand that you purchase an additional license for this user (allowing two or more people to use a computer with only one Windows license is, after all, a form of piracy).

The industry pundits we interviewed all dismissed Microsoft's proposed pricing scheme. "Only Humorix would be able to take a wet, half-shredded 10-page document found in a trash can and turn it into a major story," one observer observed.

"You can't read too much into this," another pundit pundited. "I'm not going to get too worried about this until I hear a Microserf actually ask, 'Would you like security with that order of Windows?' or 'Would you like to supersize your Excel?' Until then, this is just another example of mindless Humorix paranoia." He later added in a hushed voice, "...But just the same, I'm sticking with Linux."

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