Red Hat To Pay Stipends To Universities... To Promote Windows
Fake News written by on Monday, October 21, 2002
WHATEVER CITY RED HAT IS LOCATED -- It's long been a strategy of budding monopolists: Give your hardware and software away to schools, and the brainwashed students will become locked into using your products after they graduate. It worked for Apple. And now Bill Gates -- who always drives down The Road Ahead forged by others -- has wasted little time pursuing this strategy.
In an unexpected move, however, Red Hat Software has decided to take the opposite approach. The Linux distributors wants public schools and colleges to fully 'showcase' Microsoft products -- so that students will get a taste of how crappy they are and will then demand something better when they go out into the Real World.
"We want students to get a good, hands-on look at what Microsoft has to offer," a Red Hat marketing analyst said. "After they lose an important research paper for the fifth time as the result of Windows Registry corruptions, they'll think twice between pledging allegiance to Redmond."
As part of its new marketing ploy, Red Hat will pay stipends to university professors who use Microsoft products in their computer science classes. The catch, however, is that all annoying features (such as the Dancing Paper Clip and autoincorrect spell checker) must be enabled at all times, while useful tools (Command Prompt and Registry Editor) must be buried under 15 levels of Start Menu menus. Unnecessary, insecure network services must be enabled by default on all lab computers, leaving them vulnerable to even the most clue-deprived script kiddies on the Net.
When Microsoft first learned of Red Hat's strategy earlier today, the company issued a statement calling the plan "unfair", "deceitful", and "slanderous". "Red Hat will do anything they can to cheat against an honest all-American company like Microsoft," the statement stated. "It's the only way they can win. We've already heard a report that Red Hat will overclock all of their PCs to make them unstable and cause Windows to crash all the time. We can only imagine what other dirty tricks the pro-Communist Linux longhairs will employ against us."
Red Hat defended its strategy, saying simply, "We don't need to intentionally make Windows crash. It's quite capable of doing that on its own."