Finally, A Solution To The Lawyer Problem

Fake News written by Ann Oneemuss on Tuesday, December 3, 2002

from the eliminating-pests-one-at-a-time dept.

What's the difference between a flea and a lawyer? Mankind has invented flea collars, but there's no such thing as lawyer repellent.

Until now. Everybody that has a fear of being sued will be interested in the new invention of New Jersey resident Dr. Lou Peemind. The inventor claims that his anti-lawyer spray is "97.5% effective against lawyers and other blood-seeking animals such as sharks, weasels, and vultures."

According to Dr. Peemind, the anti-lawyer spray contains chemicals that fool lawyers into thinking that you are dirt poor -- but incredibly smart.

"A good lawyer will never take a case against somebody that doesn't have much money. What good is winning a multi-million dollar settlement if the defendant is living in the YMCA?" Peemind explained. "My patent-pending chemical makes the wearer smell... well, poor... and financially uninteresting."

Meanwhile, lawyers don't like to tangle with people that have keen knowledge of the legal system and know the meaning of key phrases in Latin, the language that attorneys have unsuccessfully tried to keep secret. The anti-lawyer spray creates the illusion that the wearer is "the world's smartest geek that has memorized every page in Black's Law Dictionary and who won't be fooled by cheap legal tricks and maneuvers."

This reporter pointed out that Peemind's lawyer repellent is suspiciously similar to the "bully repellent" featured on an episode of The Simpsons. The inventor responded, "Well, every single idea known to mankind has been featured on The Simpsons -- or South Park, or both. I'm not too worried about getting sued... after all, I have my anti-attorney spray..."

Dr. Peemind wasn't able to produce any scientific proof that his lawyer repellent actually repels lawyers, but he did point out, "I haven't been sued yet since I invented it!" He continued, "I'm confident this chemical will cause lawyers to think twice before filing a lawsuit against you. There's no guarantee, of course, since lawyers -- like wild animals -- are totally unpredictable, but this is better than nothing."

We talked to one ex-lawyer who seemed highly skeptical that a lawyer repellent is possible. "The presence of some odor wouldn't cause me to radically alter my behavior. You simply can't force people to start behaving irrationally just because you present them with harmless chemicals... By the way, would you happen to know of a good hangover remedy? I had a little too much to drink last night and I don't even remember how I got home..."

Our own legal counsel, Mr. Noah Morals, also seemed doubtful. "I didn't become the number 22nd lawyer in this city without a keen sense of intuition into who I should sue and who I should leave alone. I'll be able to smell right through this gimmick..."

We will find out soon enough whether this invention represents the best defense against the dreaded Lawyerclysm, or yet another false hope available at the retail price of $19.95 per bottle. It should be available at finer stores (and not-so-fine stores) not near you within the next six months.

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