God and MPAA Denounce Human Genome Decoding

Fake News written by Jason Simpson on Wednesday, January 22, 2003

from the step-away-from-that-gene-sequencer dept.

The MPAA now has God on its side, claiming that applications such as DeCSS and the Human Genome Project grossly violate several clauses of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.

According to God, technology capable of decoding the human genome could make it easier to clone or redistribute certain copyrighted individuals. "While you may physically own the cells themselves," God said, "You do not own the DNA code on them."

A high ranking executive working in the motion picture industry, who wishes only to be indentified as Adam, projects financial losses due to these types of decoders could be dire. He went on to illustrate the figures. "I net roughly 5 million dollars annually. My living expenses are kept at about 1.5 million annually. Having another me around would double my living expenses to 3 million, but since I basically don't do anything, my overall productivity, and hence annual salary, would not increase at all."

"We have done research and our experts suggest that, once decoded, movies or DNA could be 'shared' on a peer-to-peer network." Adam said. "For all I know, an exact 'genetic' twin or duplicate of me could then be illegally downloaded by millions from some web site in South America or Eastern Europe. This is a family oriented industry. Just think of the impact this could have on family oriented holidays. My mother can only make so much stuffing, you know."

Meanwhile, God is working on stronger encryption techniques which "cannot be hacked by humans." According to God, "I basically have to find an algorithm which humans -- even with the aid of computers -- are incapable of understanding." God has already shown that he is capable of creating the universe in only 3 lines of perl code. (The original was in COBOL and hard to maintain.)

Organizations such as the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) and the rest of humanity feel that the MPAA is being unreasonable and that God is only taking their side due to poorly negotiated contracts. Members of the EFF and the rest of humanity feel that the Human Genome Project would revolutionize advances in medicine and benefit mankind as a whole.

Adam defends the MPAA, "It's not that we don't want to benefit mankind as a whole. We just don't think benefitting mankind as a whole should be free. The Matrix has probably been the most influential innovation in history since Guttenberg's printing press. But The Matrix cost millions to produce. We're not making bibles to hand out. What are we, the Gideons?"

God also offered a stern warning. "Radical new technologies always come at a price. A single adenine - thymine mismatch can be a DNA catestrophe. Just look at the printing press and the proliferation of the misprint and the typo. In the previous paragraph, you don't even know if you should spell the inventor's name 'Gutenberg' or 'Guttenberg'. I hope the irony is not lost on you mortals."

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