Judge Holds Microsoft In Contempt Of Court

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, January 23, 2003

from the we-all-have-contempt-for-microsoft dept.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When a Federal judge sided with Sun Microsystems and ordered Microsoft to include Java with upcoming versions of Windows, Microsoft's legal team announced that the company would fully comply with the order.

The problem, however, is that everybody's favorite software monopoly has a slightly different notion of what "Java" means. Earlier today Microsoft joined forces with everybody's favorite coffee monopoly to comply with the court order by bundling free samples of Starbucks Java with each copy of Windows.

Both Sun Microsystems and the court judge were not amused.

Enraged by Microsoft's flaunting of the court order, the judge found the company in contempt of court and ordered that one of Microsoft's representatives, Clippit the Dancing Paper Clip, be held in prison until the company comes into compliance with the order.

"Any idiot could plainly see that I was talking about Sun Microsystem's Java® Virtual Machine, not Starbuck's Triple Cappachimochalattespresso Deluxe coffee!" ranted the judge while a bailiff escorted Clippit to Cellblock 3. "This is so ludicrous that even the webmaster of a low-budget humor website wouldn't dare imagine something this unbelievable!"

It's not entirely clear who at Microsoft came up with the idea of bundling coffee instead of Java with Windows. The most likely suspect, the Vice President of Court Order Compliance, was out of town during the whole debacle. "I was in California settling that state's tyrannical billion dollar class-action lawsuit against us," he said. "This wasn't my doing."

Another potential culprit, the Chief Executive of Cutting Off Competitors' Air Supply, also pleaded innocence. "Sure, it was my idea to bundle a crippled, watered-down out-of-date Java VM with Windows and then blame Sun whenever nothing worked right on it. But flagrantly violating a court order only hurts us, not Sun."

Regardless of who issued the command to stick out the company's proverbial middle finger at the judge, Clippit the Dancing Paper Clip is now sitting in a prison cell, annoying the jailor with questions like, "I see you are trying to execute an inmate. Would you like help with this operation?"

"This is the first time we've had an animated character in our prison and I hope it's the last," said warden Sally Terry Kuhnfinemint. "He keeps jumping around all over the cell asking if I need any help. For the millionth time, I don't need any [expletive] help! I would shoot the little bastard, but 'cliparticide' is a Class A felony in this state."

If Microsoft doesn't comply with the order within 120 days -- for real this time -- the judge has threatened to lock up other Microserfs, including the Internet Explorer 'e' logo (no real loss there), Bob of Microsoft Bob fame (again, no real loss), Dr. Watson (Windows can crash just fine without him), and "Arthur", the animated king featured in Freecell (whatever).

In a pre-emptive strike, the judge also said that Microsoft can't get by with shipping the Java VM under some obscure folder of the Windows CD like "MiscWorthless StuffFiller MaterialSun SucksClicking On This Folder Voids The Windows EULAProceed At Own RiskJava".

At press time, we haven't received word on whether Microsoft will fully comply with the new order. "Who cares about some annoying animated fictional characters?" asked one industry observer. "Microsoft won't have any motivation to comply until the judge starts throwing some annoying *real* people in jail -- like the entire Microsoft legal or marketing teams. Without those people, the company would fold overnight."

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