Massive Security Hole Discovered In The Linux Kernel!

Fake News written by Ann Oneemuss on Wednesday, February 12, 2003

from the even-more-filler-material dept.

BOSTON, MA -- In news that has already sent shock waves throughout the Linux community, Linus Foemellen, proprietor of The Linux Kernel Grill & Bar at 1523 Apache Street, admitted earlier today that criminals took advantage of a security hole to break into his business last night and hack into his safe -- literally.

"My intruder alarm wasn't hooked up to one of the windows along the back wall," Foemellen admitted. "It's a very obscure place in the building, but that didn't prevent the crackers from quietly sneaking in and hacking open my safe with a pair of hacksaws."

On the surface, this incident may seem like yet another minor breaking-and-entering case involving the theft of $12.45 from a tavern. However, when Taco Boy plastered the headline "Massive Security Whole [sic] Discovered In The Linux Kernel!" without even reading the story, the denizens of Slashdot went nuts.

Within 20 minutes, over 1,000 comments had been posted, ranging from "Oh the humanity!" to "Panic!" to "This is impossible! Linux is perfect!" to "I told you Microsoft was better!"

Meanwhile, the crack Microsoft marketing division wasted no time issuing a press release bragging about the apparent breach of the Linux kernel and the vast superiority of Windows 2000. They were joined in by the Blarter Group which immediately issued an advisory saying, "The rampant security holes in the Linux kernel clearly prove that the Total Cost of Ownership of free software is far higher than even the most expensive commercial Microsoft solutions."

Back at Slashdot, the hysteria continued to climb when another editor posted the exact same story only 43 minutes later, complete with the same misspelling. Out of the 1,000 "This can't be happening!" posts and the 1,500 "This story is a dup!" messages, one lone Slashdot user posted a comment that said, "Did anybody actually read the [expletive] story? This is not what it seems!" Unfortunately, hardly anybody saw this comment because it was moderated (-1, Irrelevant).

Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment at press time; repeated calls to his Transmeta phone resulted in a recording that said, "This voice mail greeting is not here yet."

[Editor's Note: We apologize for the preceding joke, which is not only very lame, but is so 1998. Our reporter has been warned against making such trangressions in the future. At Humorix, our mission is to produce only the finest quality low-budget filler material possible, not the drivel you just read.]

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