Microsoft Poll Reveals Customers Enjoy High Prices, Low Quality, No Privacy
Fake News written by on Wednesday, February 26, 2003
REDMOND, WA -- Earlier today Microsoft announced the results of a "100% independent, 100% impartial" survey revealing that the average customer "embraces" monopolistic tactics and spyware.
"This landmark study proves that the Department of Justice just wasted millions of dollars persecuting us," explained a company spokesweasel. "Anti-trust, anti-price-gouging, and anti-monopoly laws are relics from the 19th Century that have no relevance anymore and must be repealed."
According to the survey, 95% of respondents said that the high prices of Windows and other Microsoft products didn't stop them from buying every single upgrade and Plus! version. Nearly 80% said that "computers are supposed to crash once in awhile" and that bugs were "not a concern."
Finally, 75% didn't mind that Windows Media Spewer and Windows Update spied on them and "phoned home" to Microsoft.
"Our customers are not stupid," said the PR weasel. "They know that the demographic information we collect is strictly for improving the quality of our innovative best-of-breed solutions. If some of that information is shared with our highly valued business partners who are only concerned with helping consumers, then that's not a problem either...
He added, "And if even more of that information is shared with the FBI, CIA, NSA, ATF, FDA, INS, FCC, FTC, TSA, TVA, SEC, DEA, EPA, and DOJ to help fight terrorism, then the vast majority of our customers approve -- who doesn't want to help fight terrorism?"
Research by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), however, casts doubt on the veracity of this study. Almost all of the respondents were college students promised beer money for participating. They didn't have any problem with Microsoft's high prices because they all used pirated versions that didn't cost them anything. They weren't concerned about low quality because many had access to Linux and Unix boxes for those times when they actually wanted to get stuff done. As for privacy, many of the students had Linux-based firewalls to help filter out packets bound for microsoft.com.
"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics paid for by Microsoft," said one industry observer. "This study means nothing. Any study can be designed to produce any kind of desired result -- I mean, only 13.5% of the U.S. population aged 18-34 knows that."
A Microserf defended the study, though, saying, "We had a large diverse sampling of the population in our study... 640 respondents should be enough for any study!"
She continued, "The DoJ unilaterally attacked Microsoft without provocation and, according to this study, without the support of the American people. We have far greater problems to face -- like the spreading cancer of open source idealism that's brainwashing our young people with Communistic pravda and anti-intellectual-property propaganda. Another recent study shows that 53% of housewives aged 25-49 are concerned about this threat to their children..."