Mobsters Accuse Software Association Of Patent Infringement
Fake News written by on Saturday, March 1, 2003
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Planning on committing extortion? You'd better obtain a license first from Chicago's largest organized crime syndicate: they now own a series of patents on various practices involving hired goons, cement shoes, blackmail, and kneecap breaking.
"Mobsters invented the idea of shaking businesses down for money and raiding their establishments if they don't," a leader of the crime ring boasted. "This money-raising technique is now patented, and we're going to start shaking down any business that violates our intellectual property rights."
Their first target? The ASB (Authoritarian Software Bullies), a group of thugs that accuse anybody and everybody of software piracy without proof.
"We first heard about that outfit [the ASB] when we got a cease-and-desist letter accusing us of keeping copies of Microsoft Office on our crime ring's public FTP server," explained mobster Vinny Twoface.
"It turns out their automated script saw a file called "office_raids" on our server and automatically assumed it was a pirated copy of Microsoft Office, when in fact it is a custom program that allows mob bosses to print out floorplans of target businesses and then plan step-by-step how to conduct a raid against them. We hold the copyright -- and patent -- on this program."
"We are not happy about the ASB's tactics," Twoface continued. "They are infringing on our domain, and there's only enough room in this city for twenty, maybe thirty crime organizations -- the ASB is simply not welcome here.
The crime family has already sent a barrage of cease-and-desist bark letters to the ASB, but the crime lords have not decided how to proceed if the ASB fails to respond. "We might play it straight and sic our lawyers on them, but I would prefer a more personal approach: raiding their offices with kneecap-busting hired goons," said Anthony Fatlips. "Hired goons are cheap these days and they always deliver quality results."
While the ASB has not issued a formal response, one of their "piracy police" team members told this reporter (strictly off the record), "We have friends in high places -- Microsoft, Unisys, and others. We're prepared for an all-out mob war. All we have to do is falsely accuse the crime lords of owning pirated copies of Microsoft Windows, Office, and Bob, and they won't be able to stop us -- it's a brilliant strategy that we are quite experienced with..."
As it turns out, however, the mobsters don't use Windows. "Even we are morally opposed to Microsoft's monopolistic software-taxing methods," said the mob's Director Of Information Technology, Eddie Bigmouth. "While we respect and emulate Redmond's cutting-off-competitors-air-supply techniques, their other business practices are simply appalling. No, I think you'll find that Linux and OpenBSD are the operating systems of choice for mobsters -- no fuss, no muss, no security backdoors the FBI can take advantage of."
"The ASB has picked a fight they can't win," Eddie said, holding a certified copy of the group's patent on advanced cement shoe production. "A lawyer armed with an air-tight patent can cause more damage than all of Iraq's army."