Microsoft Tells The Truth: Windows Makes Hackers Extinct!

Fake News written by Ann Oneemuss on Friday, March 28, 2003

from the dodo-eggs-with-a-side-of-sabre-tooth-tiger-ribs dept.

REDMOND, WA -- Linux longhairs across the world were shocked and awed to learn that Microsoft has spearheaded an advertising campaign that is totally truthful in its claims. The ads boast that "Windows .NOT 2003 will make hackers as extinct as wooly mammoths."

"Sadly, it's all true," sighed one Linux advocate. "With extreme licensing requirements, fifty-page EULAs, and mandatory waiting periods for the SDKs, Windows 2003 and related '.NOT nexus' technologies will make hackers, independent software developers, and hobbyists extinct."

Those wishing to develop custom software for the .NOT platform will have to register with Microsoft, pay an exorbitant "activation fee", undergo a rigorous background check, submit to a ten-day "waiting period", and attend at least one training session at a Microsoft Brainwashing Facility.

[Editor's Note: Well, they won't actually call them Brainwashing Facilities -- that's just the code-name until their spin doctors can invent something more euphemism-enhanced, such as Microsoft IndoctrinationX Campuses or Microsoft .NOT ActiveExperience Bootcamps.]

"If you want to hack together a quick Perl script on the .NOT platform... well, good luck," ranted one frequent anti-Microsoft ranter who frequents Slashdot. "You want to hack the Registry to get rid of that damn paperclip once and for all? No dice. You want to create your own proxy filter to monitor outgoing connections to make sure Media Player isn't phoning home? Yeah right! It ain't gonna happen without Microsoft's permission -- and that will happen just as soon as pigs fly into Bill Gates' mansion."

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to obtain a scan of a photo of a Xerox copy of a hand-drawn artist's rendering of a prototype of the Windows 2003 interface. The most disturbing part of the interface is the "Red Screen of Access Denied", a dialog box that pops up frequently to inform the user "You can't do that", accompanied by a recording of Nelson from The Simpsons yelling, "Ha ha!"

"Everything you can and can't do within the Windows 2003 interface sandbox is completely regulated," explained an anonymous source who knows somebody that recently had lunch with somebody that works at Microsoft. "You can't install unapproved software, you can't attached uncertified hardware peripherals without voiding the EULA, you can't cut-and-paste from a Office 2003 document without first obtaining a password from the copyright holder, and you can't remove the annoying 'Sign up for MSN!' icons from the desktop without first buying the Windows .NOT Plus! pack and running the Icon Explorer program."

Our source added, "Not only will this stifling, repressive system scare off hackers, but it will likely scare off everybody else except for Pointy Haired Bosses and corrupt Congressmen. So, yes, Microsoft's ad campaign is entirely accurate -- and then some."

In order to present some sort of facade of journalistic objectivity, we tracked down a die-hard Microsoft groupie to present the evil monopoly's side of the story. The following is the drivel he spouted in defense of Microsoft: "This is all FUD. Microsoft has no plans to require 'waiting periods' or 'bootcamps'. Just because Microsoft will make it more difficult for users to wreck their own systems or to violate copyright laws doesn't make this the evil conspiracy that Linux freaks make it out to be. Windows .NOT is an innovative paradigm, which is far more than you can say for Linux, which is merely warmed up Unix which was copied from MS-DOS."

With that formality out of the way, we can now return to plain old fashion Microsoft bashing. An industry observer commented, "Buying a computer with future versions of Windows installed is like buying a car with the hood welded shut -- you won't be able to tinker or repair anything yourself. Of course, Micrsoft will try to argue that this system will protect you from the bad guys, in the same way that having a welded hood will prevent the bad guys from stealing your motor. But what's the point of owning a computer if you can't do anything general purpose with it? You might as well go out and buy an abacus -- that's one platform that Microsoft will never dominate or infect."

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