Microsoft Does Not Acquire Linux

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, March 31, 2003

from the i-never-saw-this-one-coming dept.

REDMOND, WA -- During a press conference held earlier today, Microsoft announced that they have not acquired Linux or any other open-source projects. The company made the surprise announcement because, in the words of the Microsoft spokesserf, "We're sick and tired of all of the fake stories published on April Fool's Day that claim that we have acquired Linux. This is a pre-emptive strike against that kind of nonsense."

The spokesserf continued, "You won't believe the number of calls and emails we receive on April 1st from people that honestly believe that Microsoft has initiated a hostile takeover of Red Hat, or that Bill Gates has sold his soul to Satan, or that Microsoft is about to release a version of Windows for abacusses. If we didn't have to deal with all of this crap every year, we could focus more energy on producing innovative, best-of-breed, secure solutions for the industry..."

Microsoft has been campaigning to eliminate April Fool's Day for years. "April 1st is no laughing matter," a Microsoft employee said last year in a leaked memo obtained by ESR, dubbed the "April Fool's Day" memo. "All of the world takes it upon themselves to engage in senseless Microsoft bashing on that day. The insanity must end..."

[Editor's Note: At Humorix, we don't celebrate April Fool's Day -- we only observe August Fool's Day. Besides, we're not in the business of senseless Microsoft bashing... our goal is to bash Microsoft senseless.]

Meanwhile, Benevolent Dictator and Geek Celebrity Linus Torvalds announced today that all of the rumors of his demise are greatly exaggerated. "Every year at this time there's a bunch of websites that claim that I'm retiring or that I've sold out to Red Hat," he said in a mailing list posting. "These claims are simply not true. After all, I've already sold out to Transmeta."

On the other hand, RMS and ESR were both frantically hoping that somebody will pay attention to them on April Fool's Day -- or any day, for that matter. "I haven't been mentioned on Slashdot in a long time," RMS said. "People just aren't passionate about GNU/Linux anymore. I'm going to have to invent some new controversy to stir people up and put the GNU Project back in the spotlight."

ESR wrote in a Usenet posting, "I thought I was the de facto leader of the Open Source Movement(tm). What happened? How did I lose my celebritydom? It's because I don't get featured on Slashdot enough. It's all Taco Boy's fault!"

Taco Boy was unavailable for comment at press time. According to research conducted by Humorix, the rumors currently circulating that Slashdot once went a full day without posting a duplicate story or a glaring misspelling are, indeed, false. "Even on April 1st, people aren't gullible enough to believe that story," said one Vast Spy Network(tm) member.

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