Dotcoms Stay Afloat By Pooling Unsolicited Credit Card Offers

Fake News written by Ann Oneemuss on Monday, April 7, 2003

from the you-might-already-be-pre-approved! dept.

SILLYCON VALLEY -- Hugh Suree didn't know what to do. His pride and joy, DiscountToiletPaperByMail.com, was about to go under. He couldn't afford to pay the company's gourmet chef anymore. The luxury cars given as a bonus to every employee had alrady been sent to the Repo Depot. Things had gotten so bad that the company's lifeline and most important asset -- its T3 line -- was about to be unplugged.

But then a miracle occured.

Taking advantage of the dozens of unsolicited credit card offers his business had received over the last few months, Seree was able to instantly command a $1.5 million credit line and pay off his debts.

Seree explained, "For years I had gotten snail mail that read, 'Dear occupant, because of your stellar credit history, we are pleased to announced you have been pre-approved for our Gold Bronze VIP Latinum MasterPass® credit card!' I always chucked these offers in the trash can... until I realized just how much money I could accumulate for my business if I accepted all of them!"

As an added bonus, Seree has also received 5.4 billion frequent flier miles, good for a free upgrade to first class on any flight from San Francisco to Oakland!

"This has been a Godsend," he gushed. "If it wasn't for this sudden infusion of cash, I would be back in Arkansas working at my father's Lard Rendering Plant. And when the credit card bills start arriving, I'll simply pay them off using the new credit cards that I've just accepted. What a deal!"

DiscountToiletPaperByMail.com isn't the only dotcom taking advantage of unsolicited junk mail. Gull E. Buhl, co-founder of eMatchMakingForTotalLosers.com, boasted, "Thanks to all of the free credit available, I have been able to keep my .com in business for almost 8 months -- that's over 3 times longer than the average dotcom! Now if only all of those unsolicited spam offers about penis enlargment products worked as well as this. Believe me, I've tried..."

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