Bloated Open Source Projects Receive Surprise Grant Money
Fake News written by on Tuesday, April 22, 2003
SILLYCON VALLEY, CA -- In a major coup for the Linux community, Enntel Corporation has agreed to give $20 million worth of grants over the next three years to various open source projects that rely heavily on CPU power.
"Right now there's little incentive for people to rush out and buy computers with faster CPUs," explained CEO John Enntel. "But if bloated, CPU-intensive, eye-candy-enhanced projects like Mozilla or GNOME become popular, then our CPU sales will skyrocket. This $20 million is not an act of altruism -- it's an investment."
John Enntel came up with the idea after talking with his mother one day. "She keeps telling me that her 200 Mhz Enntium I machine works just fine for running Word or playing Solitaire," he explained. "Last month she told me, 'The only thing good about an expensive three gigawhatever machine is that it crashes more quickly!'"
"I had nightmares every night the following week," Enntel admitted. "What if millions of mothers and grandmothers were thinking the same thing? What if they refused to buy new computers with our state-of-the-art Enntium IV and Qualeron I? Oh the horror!"
Investing in open source, however, neatly solves the problem. "You try to run Mozilla on a vintage EnntiumSX processor from 1997 and it's going to run about as quickly as molasses on Pluto. Even an Enntel Ennside Pro chip from '99 struggles to run GNOME at a reasonable speed..."
A spokesperson for the Mozilla project was ecstatic about the news. "For years people told us that Mozilla was too bloated. 'Who needs a fscking chat client in a web browser?' critics would scream. Well, now that bloat is paying off. Our efforts have helped to spur demand for faster hardware, and that in turn is helping the economy. The din of a million keyboards can't be wrong."
It's not clear how the money will be distributed, although John Enntel points out that he doesn't really want it to be used for optimizing code. "The last thing I want is for GNOME to hire some genius that is able to speed up the whole system by 30% by inserting a single line of code. That would defeat the whole purpose. Instead, I want more bloat, more eye candy, more kitchen sinks, more... everything."