US Launches "Shock And Awe" Campaign To Rid The World Of Open Source

Fake News written by Ann Oneemuss on Wednesday, April 23, 2003

from the putting-the-red-in-red-hat dept.

"According to the domino theory, once a country turns Red Hat, they never go back..."
-- U.S. Senator Bob McSlarthy

WASHINGTON -- After discovering a cache of Mandrake CDs in a bunker underneath Saddam's 419th palace, the White House wasted no time in declaring Open Source a terrorist threat and spearheading a strategy to kill -9 it from the face of the earth.

"By distributing stable, highly secure software for free across the globe, Open Source allows capable nation-states the ability to create computer networks totally invicible against our Echelon, Carnivore, and other soon-to-be-unleased systems that we aren't supposed to have," explained an anonymous source at some three-letter government bureaucracy.

At a briefing held earlier today in the White House Situation Room, President Dubya presented a color-coded map showing the countries where Linux, Apache, and other free software projects have most the penetration.

While pointing to several countries shaded in red, Dubya said, "Here, here, and here are countries that are in the process of being subverted by the Communistic, long-haired, hippie freaks. The legislatures in these countries are on the verge of passing laws that would require the government to use Open Source software when possible. This is only the beginning. The Red Hat menace must be stopped..."

Meanwhile, at a Congressional hearing by the Committee For Alarming The Populace With Yet Another Imaginary Hobgoblin, Senator Bob McSlarthy said, "I am holding in my hand a deck of cards listing 55 members of the GNU Project suspected of un-Capitalistic activities. These spies and traitors must be stopped before their weapons of mass digital destruction fall into the hands of terrorists."

The committee chair, Senator Fattecat, agreed, "The solution to this open sores cancer is obvious. I have assurances from Microsoft and other commercial software vendors that they are ready to send an emergency mobilization of thousands of technicians and marketers worldwide to help deploy their closed source software in countries that are teetering on the edge. Microsoft can airlift two hundred people armed with Windows CDs to any red zone with only five minute's notice -- all they need is my signal."

Mandrake, firmly in the crosshairs of the administration's Shock and Awe strategery, issued a hasty response. A spokesgeek said, "It's clear that those CDs found in Baghdad were planted. We all know that Iraq's most advanced computers -- imported before the sanctions from Gulf War 1.0 -- are Commodore Colts. Even Linux has never been ported to that."

He added, "There's no proof that the bad guys are using Linux -- but Windows is another story. If I had to deal with dancing paperclips, stupid wizards, proprietary file formats, activation schemes that don't activate, and bluescreens on a daily basis, then committing a suicide bombing would start to look mighty tempting."

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