Microsoft Ecstatic About New Geek Enemy
Fake News written by on Monday, June 30, 2003
REDMOND, WA -- In an interview that appears in today's issue of Billionaires Illustrated magazine, Microsoft's Chief Bloatware Architect says that he is experiencing "an endless bitmap of joy" now that another company has stepped into the ring to take over as Geek Public Enemy Number One.
"Thanks to SCO, the amount of hate mail I receive has dropped by 14%," the monopolist says during the interview at his Summer Weekend Home 5.0 in the Catskills. "You've got to hand it to them... SCO has really found a way to get under the skin of every Linux and open source zealot on the planet."
He continues, "I frankly don't understand what SCO's lawsuit is about -- I don't think even their lawyers have been able to keep the story straight -- but the whole thing has worked wonders for the campaign to eliminate Communism from the face of the globe."
In a stinging rebuke, however, the brutal leader of North Quba, Fido Castor, has sent a letter to the editor of Billionaires Illustrated demanding that the magazine set the record straight about Communism. "To call Linux and open source software 'Communistic' is a form of slander against the real Communist countries of the world. I will not tolerate this abuse. Most open source projects are conducted in a democratic manner, which is wholly inconsistent with the North Quba Communist philosophy of 'The greatest good for the greatest number of palaces built in my honor.'"
Meanwhile, in an interview with Better Mansions and Monopolies magazine, a nameless spokesperson for the Microsoft Marketing Department also expressed optimism about SCO's actions. "First we got the Department of Justice off our backs and now we can temporarily ignore another threat, Linux, while SCO's army of lawyers go to work. This gives Microsoft the opportunity to focus on our current mission -- developing new software to stop the deluge of spam and viruses that are being spread using the security holes of Hotmail, Exchange, and Outlook..."
The same spokesperson did admit, however, the she wished Microsoft was doing the suing instead of SCO. "While we're happy with SCO's actions, our legal department certainly would have liked to be the first to launch a complex lawsuit against those Communist pirate hippy freaks. We all know that much of Linux is a blatant rip-off of Microsoft's hard-earned intellectual property -- just look at vi, an obvious knock-off of Edlin. And Emacs, Mozilla, and Gnome all feature extreme levels of bloat -- a design methodology that Microsoft pioneered. We will not be able to ignore these infringements forever..."