Those SCOundrels Blame Linux For Blackout, Terrorism, Viruses, Global Warming

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, August 14, 2003

from the can't-spell-scofflaw-without-letters-s-c-o dept.

SOMEWHERE IN UTAH -- "It's all Linux's fault." Those were the words spoken by Lawyer #5634 representing a certain company which shall remain nameless in order to avoid a potential trademark lawsuit. In a statement issued today, the company argued that everything from the Great Northeast Blackout of 2003 to global warming can be traced to that un-American Linux operating system with its "stolen code" and "illegal license".

"If people actually cared about copyright law none of these things would be happening. Linux must die," explained a company executive who shall also remain anonymous in order to avoid a frivolous libel suit.

The company was quick to hold Linux liable for today's power outage. "Linux systems are so stable that admins leave them running 24/7 even if they aren't needed," explained Lawyer #5634. "This unnecessary usage increases demand for electricity and, as we saw today, overloads the power grid causing massive chaos and confusion for 50 million people. But with other pro-American, environmentally-friendly computer platforms, the periodic crashes prompt most admins to shut the machines off when not in use."

Likewise, Linux can also be blamed for global warming. "Increased power consumption leads to the burning of more fossil fuels which ultimately leads to the Venus-ification of this planet. When this rock is no longer able to support life, we can have Linus Torvalds to thank for it..."

Not surprisingly, the company found a way to pin Linux for helping to spread "LovSan", this week's Windows Virus Of The Week. Microsoft is, of course, entirely blame-free. Explained another lawyer (this time #16012), "It's all because Linux has promulgated a brain-drain in the tech industry. Linux is extremely complex and difficult to learn, a fact which has attracted the best and brightest engineers to work on it. The same cannot be said of Windows, which is designed for the lowest common denominator. Unfortunately, the smart techs (running Linux) install security patches, while the clueless ones (Windows) wait until five minutes after their network is compromised. Obviously, Linux is to blame for the rapid propogation of Windows-based viruses."

This Utah-based company has also invented a way to tie the popularity of Linux with the popularity of international terrorism. According to Lawyer #16012, "The number of serious terrorist attacks worldwide has increased substantially since Linux was first posted on the Internet with its stolen code. This cannot be a coincidence."

"Oh, and have I mentioned the SARS outbreak?" the lawyer added. "By increasing the demand for made-in-Taiwan hardware, Linux has helped increase trade between Asia and North America, a fact that ultimately provided the avenue for the deadly SARS virus to spread."

Concluded a company executive, "It's obvious that many of our social ills could easily be addressed by banning Linux, deporting all open source advocates to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, and enacting sensible copyright laws that would prevent this kind of abuse from happening again. The Penguin must die before civilization can progress and usher in a new era of peace, prosperity, and good health."

Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment at press time. (He has reportedly spent the last 14 hours straight laughing at the company's latest allegation that the "GPL is invalid because we say so.")

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