An Open Bark Letter From Everybody's Favorite Corporation

Hopefully Fake Letter to the Editor sent by Cash Grubber, Esq. on Tuesday, August 26, 2003

from the ess-see-ohh dept.

Let me introduce myself, my name is Cash Grubber, Esq. (pronounced GrOO-ber). I am a trademark and patent attorney representing the SCO group, hereafter referred to as SCO, SCO Group, My Client, or Shnookums.

As you may be aware, my client owns the Unix operating system, as well as the derivative Linux environment.

Recently SCO noticed that you run a web site called "Humorix". SCO couldn't help but notice the similarity between "Humorix", and SCO's intellectual properties, "Unix" and "Linux". At first SCO was willing to dismiss this as sheer coincidence, but after just a couple of minutes of perusing your content, it became painfully apparent that "Humorix" exhibited a deliberate and consistant pattern of stealing my client's intellectual property and republishing it as Humorix's own.

To cite but a few of the many examples:

  • In the article titled "Microsoft Plan To Kill Off Linux Fails", posted March 29, 2003, the phrase "It is the best way to kill Linux for good". This phrase appears in numerous SCO internal memos.

  • "Ask Humorix: I Need Money Fast" was posted August 12, 2003. This story contains the phrase "alcohol-induced stupor". This phrase is also used extensively in SCO company memos.

  • The story "Dotcoms Stay Afloat By Pooling Unsolicited Credit Card Offers" was posted on April 7, 2003. This appears to infringe on a SCO-owned business-process patent, "A method of bankruptcy avoidance utilizing Unsolicited Credit Card Offers to Stay Afloat".

  • In the article, "Ethics Scandal Rocks Humorix, Executive Indicted For Insider Trading", posted June 5, 2003, appears the phrase, "office supplies are a privilege, not a right." This phrase appears to have been copied straight out of the SCO employee handbook. Also the same article contains the wording, "I dug through the site's archives and looked at 77 articles and none of them seemed to contain any nuggets of truth buried in them." This phrase appears to be eerily similar to a phrase used in the executive summary of an internal audit of SCO's legal filings.

SCO will, of course, accomidate any request you may have to view our secret memos, handbooks, patents and audits that you are infringing upon, provided you sign an NDA, and wear blindfolds when SCO and its agents pick you up and allow SCO and its agents to tie your hands behind your back, and do not remove the blindfolds until SCO and/or its agents drop you off again. SCO sincerely regrets having to resort to using blindfolds and rope, but it is unfortunately a necessary security precaution SCO must take due to the volume of threats we received from law-breaking Linux types who get upset because they owe SCO a mere $699.

My client wants you to realize that SCO is not a company that believes in litigation as a means to resolve their differences. No, SCO would much prefer that your readers pay an annual Humorix(tm) license to SCO. To show their goodwill towards your humor site, (nobody has a bigger sense of humor than SCO group, a fact that my client is quite proud of), my client will be willing to settle for only $399 per Humorix reader per year. SCO Group feels that we are being extremely resonable with this demand, as its less than the cost of a daily Grande Mocha Loco Latte from your readers' favorite coffee shops.

SCO also demands that you post this notice on the Humorix web site so that your readers are made fully aware of the situation, and incease the likelyhood that they get their checks in by the end of the quarter.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me, as I will be more than happy to sneer at them.

Sincerely yours,

Cash Grubber, Esq. (pronounced GrOO-ber)
Attorney for SCO Group

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