Spam Increases Productivity (According To Spammers)

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, September 29, 2003

from the this-is-not-a-sponsored-advertisement dept.

A "ground-breaking" new study underwritten, conducted, and distributed by the Bureau of American Salesmen Taking and Abusing Resources to Distribute Spam (BASTARDS) reveals that the morass of unsolicited commercial email on the Internet actually increases the productivity of the average IT worker by 43.6%.

"What everybody forgets," explained the study's lead author, Dr. Ima Fersaille, "is that spam provides the perfect excuse to delete incoming emails you don't want to answer. If the co-worker, boss, or customer later asks 'Did you get my email?', you can always just say, 'Oops, I must have accidentally deleted it when I was clearing spam from my inbox' or 'Oh darn, I guess the spam filter killed it'.

The study argues that the ability to selectively ignore email allows IT workers to focus on other, more important tasks, therefore increasing productivity.

"With a touch of a button, complaints, bug reports, and technical support requests can be deleted without fear of reprisal," Fersaille said. "Do you really want to live in a world where you have to write detailed responses to every annoying complaint from clueless users? Spam has managed to prevent that dystopian outlook from happening."

Also today, the Coalition of Ruthless Entrepreneurs, Telemarketers, Independent Nobility, and Salesmen (CRETINS) announced their own study which concludes that telemarketers have "numerous" positive benefits to society. This study, to be published in the November issue of the Journal Of Crackpot Medical Studies That Weren't Accepted By Other Publications, claims that unsolicited phone calls "decrease obesity in the average person by 4.6%."

The study's lead author explained at a sparsely attended press conference, "Each time the phone rings, a person sitting or lying down must, at the very least, get up to answer the phone. If they are sitting at a dinner table, they will probably also have to walk across the room to find the phone. These actions burn calories and promote health. Our research indicates that the average American will burn 10.7 million calories over the course of their lifetime answering courtesy calls..."

Another spokesweasel for the organization said, "People who sign up for a Do-Not-Call list are really signing up for a I-Want-To-Keel-Over-And-Die- From-A-Heart-Attack list. Diet, exercise, and free trade are the ingredients for a healthy lifestyle."

This unbiased reporter tried to find a source who would give a rebuttal to these ridiculous studies. However, everybody I talked to started laughing uncontrollably and were therefore unavailable for comment at press time.

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