Humor Writers Protest In Front Of SCO World Headquarters
Fake News written by on Thursday, November 13, 2003
PROVO, UTAH -- Nearly two hundred humor writers, fake news reporters, and tongue-in-cheek columnists descended on SCO's headquarters yesterday to protest the company's continued slide into unreality.
"Humor writers have very active imagination. But none of us -- absolutely none of us -- could ever have imagined the kind of ludicrous and inconceivable things that SCO has decided to pursue," explained a reporter for the New York Times, the world's leading source of spurious news. "You simply can't make this stuff up... a fact which represents a great hardship on humorists everywhere."
Minnie Laffs, the editor of the prestigious Monthly Fake News Daily Gazette Quarterly Magazine, organized the protest after her publication suffered a sudden 20% decline in readership. "I've had numerous readers call and complain, saying that our fake news stories are totally lame compared with the real news stories surrounding SCO. I can't compete with that."
One protestor went so far as to accuse SCO of stealing his story ideas. "Two weeks ago I wrote a supposedly fake story entitled 'SCO Subpoenas Linus and RMS'. And now look what happened. They stole my idea and turned it into reality, therefore making my intellectual property worthless. Who wants to read a fake news story that is no longer fake?"
He added, "Here we have a company that is utterly paranoid about its own copyrights but is otherwise quite happy to hoist the Jolly Roger when it comes to everybody not under their Canopy Group. I'm so mad... hell, even Microsoft has never done anything to make my blood boil this much."
The protest remained peaceful all afternoon, despite SCO's attempt to cause a disturbance by hoisting a large banner on the side of the building that said, "The Communists Lost The Cold War; Now Linux Will Lose The Copyright War" and "Patriots Use Windows, Terrorists Prefer Linux".
Jon Splatz, the intrepid but insipid Humorix pundit and social commentator who decided to attend the protest, quickly responded by painting a large replica road sign in front of the SCO complex which read:
<-- Reality <-- Common Sense SCO Headquarters -->
Most of the elite humorists in attendance, however, were not impressed by Splatz's wit. "What a moron," said a well-known humor columnist for Playfool Magazine. "That's the lamest joke I've seen all day. I don't know this Splatz clown, but the publication he works for must really suck."
Except for the banner unfurlers, most SCO employees stayed out of sight during the protest. Only one was available for comment at press time, and she simply said, "Go get a life -- preferably one that fits into our goal of a kindler, more progressive utopian future filled with benevolent corporations free from the clutches of greedy individuals."
Even some non-SCO minions, however, also disagreed with the protestors. "Oh, let's face it," ranted one critic. "You all are suffering from writer's block and are trying to blame it on SCO. Puh-leeze. Just as that one patent inspector said that there wouldn't be any more patents granted because everything had already been invented, I think we can safely say that there won't be any more copyrights on humor material because everything funny has already been published. It's time to find a new line of work."
This reporter isn't exactly sure what that rant meant, but at least it provides good filler material and frankly I'm up to my eyeballs in empty space. It's all SCO's fault.