US Population Expected To Grow Rapidly

Fake News written by Dragos "ultravioletu" on Thursday, December 18, 2003

from the spam-is-good-and-spam-is-funny dept.

During the last week, US consulates across the world have been overwhelmed by an exponential increase in the number of new visa requests by respected entrepreneurs hoping to move to America and expand their business operations.

After the "Great Lawyer Exodus of 2003", in which thousands of European lawyers moved to North America seeking a more lawyer-friendly society, now tens of thousands of businessmen are hoping that the US will be a far more hospitable place for their revolutionary body-enhancement products, reliable make-money-faster-than-Bill-Gates sales pitches, and large interest-free loans given to anyone who asks.

A member of Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) stationed in the Ukraine had a short chat with some of the visa applicants in front of the US consulate in Kiev (well, stretching the definition of "in front" to approximately five super-sized feet). Mr. Serghei Petrovici Ammer declared, visibly excited: "It's the dream of my life coming true. With only one thousand dollars bribe paid to the police officer over there, I could advance four hundreds places in the queue. This way, I hope I'll be able to talk to the consular officer next week."

The reason for this excitement is the new anti-spam legislation Congress approved this week, already known as the YOU-CAN-SPAM Bill. According to this bill, thousands of Special Offers and Pre-Aproved Credits for Premium Customers will become legal as long as they have, well hidden inside the message, a link to the mandatory "do-not-spam-me-anymore-from-this-address-for-the-next- two-weeks" feature.

Mr. S. P. Ammer continued, "The law will finally legalize our marketing activities. Our reluctant customers must carefully read our offers. And if they prove themselves smart enough to find the opt-out link, it's even better: we can legally exchange their verified email addresses with our partners. It's a win-win situation, especially for our children. We no longer have to contribute monthly 'fees' to the central control institutions of our country for them to close their eyes to our innovative business methods."

Marketers from UK, Spain, Brasil, Argentina, Uzbekistan, Russia, China, Taiwan, and Nigeria have all joined their voices to praise the new decision. A spokesman for a London-based pharmaceutical company, which sells pills for enhancing you-know-what body part, told us (and 252 million other people) via a mass-distributed e-mail message, "America is indeed the land of freedom. Several months ago, our company almost reached bankrupcy, due to the terrorist, commie-inspired, anti-spam European legislation, which clearly shows the degree of decadence this continent experiences. Not to mention the unhappiness UK surfers experienced by not receiving unsolicited offers for our company's revolutionary products. But it's all over: they can receive them again from our US branch, well protected by this God-blessed measure. Now we have to move fast, before our competitors from the third world obtain the entry visa. Perhaps we will be able to register some patents by then..."

One independent observer commented in a newsgroup that the law was not yet signed by President George Dubya. Five seconds later, his inbox was flooded by countless spam messages and one pertinent answer: "Yes, indeed, it has not yet been signed, but we know the President is a true, proud pro-capitalist American, who deeply respects our country's values. He would never veto such an obvious anti-terror and anti-commie measure, which will save the lives of millions of innocent fellow citizens."

The observer wanted to express his doubts at the "save the lives" part, but before hitting the "reply" button, one hundred forty-five thousands ICMP packets simultaneously hit his computer.

One annonymous geek asked about the steps required to obtain citizenship in one of the European countries. "I want to emigrate before the reading of junk emails becomes mandatory, which will probably happen next year," he posted to a rare still-not-yet-flooded-with-credit-card-offers newsgroup.

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