Massive Trademark Dilution Strikes SCO

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, January 21, 2004

from the couldn't-happen-to-a-nicer-company dept.

sco, n. -- 1. Litigious bastard, 2. Universally despised person, company, or institution attempting to unfairly profit from the efforts of others.

By popular demand, this definition for the word "sco" will be included in the next edition of Bewster's Dictionary, according to a press release issued today by the publisher.

This latest dictionary addition joins the growing ranks of diluted trademarks that have entered mainstream usage, fueled in part by various blogs, Usenet groups, and low-budget humor websites desperate for something to write about.

"The rate of adoption of the noun 'sco' has been truly breathtaking," said Dr. Buzz Verd, expert in meme propogation paradigms. "This could be some kind of a record for trademark dilution."

SCO (the company) denounced sco (the noun) in a statement issued minutes ago, saying, "The Canopy Group was properly married to Caldera when the current incarnation of SCO was born, and so we are most definitely not a 'bastard'."

The head SCO sco also said in an email to investors, "If anybody is unfairly profiting from the efforts of others, it is Linux. This Communistic infection threatens to undo all of the hard work of every corporate executive striving to achieve the dream of Adam Smith. We have sacrified untold amounts of blood, sweat, and country club fees while working to create a Capitalistic utopia where intellectual property is considered more sacred than God..."

SCO's executives have not decided whether to pursue legal action against the publishers of Bewster's Dictionary because, well, their lawyers are still on Christmas vacation and haven't been responding to SCO's phone calls or the court's written orders to produce discovery evidence.

While the publisher of Bewster's has refused to comment on what other words the dictionary might consider including in future editions, research by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) suggests that the following diluted trademarks are ripe candidates:

uneesys, v. -- To suddenly demand large patent royalties from unsuspecting users of duh-obvious technology that has been widely deployed.

riaa, v. -- 1. To cling tightly to an obviously outmoded business model, 2. To openly declare war against your own customers

belltelco, v. -- 1. To cling tightly to an obviously outmoded business model, 2. To openly screw over your customers with low-quality, high-priced communications services that could be obtained for much less in almost every other civilized nation.

envidiya, v. -- A product distributed without any technical documentation or blueprints, rendering it virtually useless in all applications except one specifically approved by the company.

Example: "I got a good deal on my car, until I realized it was an envidiya, with the hood was welded shut and tires only compatible with a particular brand of asphalt.

fritzholl, n. -- 1. Universally despised lawmaker, except by the voters in his home district that inexplicably keep electing him.

macroflash, n. -- Software framework that enables developers to deliver shiny things without the need to produce any real content

googull, n. -- Search engine results so filled with sleazy commercialism that they resemble a gooey substance indistinguishable from crap

jashcroft, v. -- To advocate restrictions on freedom in order to protect freedom

ayohell, n. -- State of pure torture experienced by geeks spending the night at a relative's house which only has a dial-up connection through a propriety online service provider

uspito, n. -- Government bureaucrat lacking the time and expertise to bother reviewing paperwork, such as patent applications

Example: "I thought I had wasted my time reinventing the wheel, but a kindly uspito granted my patent application anyway, and now I'm going to be rich!"

Alanus ralskyus, n. -- Recently adopted scientific name for a species of parasites commonly known as leeches

verisinus, n. -- Serious headache, often experienced by geeks strugging to deal with the launch of yet another new "feature" that blatantly violates Internet standards

humorix, v. -- To write a fake news article filled with carefully crafted meta-humor that sounds funny but is composed entirely of recycled jokes that weren't very good the first time

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