TV Network Gives Out Free PVRs! (* Some Strings Attached)
Fake News written by on Thursday, January 29, 2004
HOUSTON, TX -- Just in time for the Super Bowl, the SeeBS broadcast television network has announced that 50 million Personal Video Recorders will be distributed free of charge at participating Radio Outhouse and CompUSSR outlets.
Of course, these free devices come with strings attached. Not only do they spy on the user, but they are designed to skip shows, but not commercials.
"Many people watch the Super Bowl for the commercials," explained one SeeBS spokesflapper. "With this device, people can easily record their favorite Super Bowl commercials and watch them over and over, while ignoring the filler football crap that the FCC makes us air between commercial breaks."
The move comes in sharp contrast to the recent SeeBS policy of denouncing PVRs whenever possible. "If you watch a show and skip the commercials, you are a common criminal. Even shoplifters have better morals!" said one SeeBS executive during an August 2003 interview.
Times have changed, however. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" the same executive said today at a press conference (SeeBS pre-empted the popular game show 'Who Wants To Be Embarrased On National TV In Front Of Millions?' to air the press conference live). "With our free machines, we will turn the tables on commercial-skippers, airtime-stealers, and other immoral scum that should not be allowed the privilege of owning a TV."
While similar to other PVRs, the SeeBS model will only work with a special remote control that consists of a giant button ("Skip Show, Go Straight To Next Commercial") surrounded by several other microscropic buttons that can only be pressed with a needle.
"During our focus group sessions, we learned that many viewers wanted a way to skip lame filler material (i.e., shows) and go straight to our award-winning commercials and infomercials," said a SeeBS assistant market research specialist third class. "With this new device, which we are graciously distributing at no charge, our viewers will now be empowered to watch their favorite advertisements at any time that want."
In related news, Ted Turner announced that his Turner Commercial Channel (TCC), launched in 2001 and featuring nothing but commercials, has surpassed fifty million daily viewers. Turner hopes to increase that number by offering school districts large sums of money in exchange for permanently tuning their classroom televisions to TCC and handing down expulsions to any student who dares change the channel or smuggle in their own TV or radio.