Microsoft Patents Zero-Click Security System
Fake News written by on Monday, February 2, 2004
REDMOND, WA -- Demonstrating its "commitment to security", Microsoft today unveiled a new patent-pending method to prevent users from accidentally following malicious URLs. Under the new system, to be released in the next version of Internet Explorer, the browser will prevent users from clicking on links but will instead guide them to manually type in the URL in the address bar and then hit ENTER.
"Not only have we increased security by forcing people to double-check their URLs, but we have also made the Internet more accessible by removing the need for a mouse to follow links," explained a Microsoft PR flack. "This is yet another example of why our freedom to innovate must never be curtailed..."
The PR weasel then took the opportunity to poke fun at "both people" that stubbornly continue to use competing browsers. "Does your browser include Zero-Click technology? Of course not, because we've patented it. Your browser contains a gaping security hole that allows con-artists to fool you into revealing vital personal information, such as your name, credit card number, or ice cream preference. In fact, your browser is so insecure the government should outlaw it!"
"Not that we would want the government to do that," he hastily added, "Because then we would no longer be able to argue in court that Microsoft isn't a monopoly. If that were to happen, the court might decide to impose a harsh remedy, such as reducing the cost of Windows XP by 5 dollars. And that would be bad."
In related news, Microsoft also announced a permanent solution to prevent the spread of Windows and Outlook-based email worms. Knowledge Base Article #12,534,091,023 states, "A simple workaround for this problem is to (a) locate your computer's power cord and (b) disconnect it. This course of action has been shown to be highly effective at stopping email-based malicious programs..."