Prepare To Be Jashcrofted
Fake News written by on Saturday, February 7, 2004
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Back when Congress passed the US PATRIOT Act, they also quietly enacted another piece of legislation that went unnoticed: The Screwing the Terrorists who Use Packets of Internet Datagrams (STUPID) Act. As the name suggests, this law will have absolutely no impact on terrorism while it jashcrofts innocent Internet users.
For instance, new rules go into effect this week to regulate Internet traffic. All foreign data packets which traverse at least one router based in any American state must obtain, in advance, a valid US transit visa, following the regular procedures, even if both the source and destinations addresses reside outside the country.
According to current procedure, as a prerequisite for a transit visa, a data packet must have the following flags set: I_SOLD_MY_FIRST_BORN_SON_TO_SCO, I_LOVE_DMCA, and I_RUN_ONLY_WINDOWS. Furthermore, the application is forwarded to the GESTAPO (Global Enterprise to Stop Terrorism by Analyzing Packets & Operators), a new government bureaucracy created from the unholy alliance of Microsoft, Verisign, the RIAA, and CIA. This department will then issue a unique 32,768-byte activation key that must be manually introduced by the user.
Details about all the information actually required to compute this key are not disclosed, of course, because that would only help the terrorists. However, on the department's website, it states very clearly: "Please shut down your firewall, change your system's administrator password to 'i will vote for dubya', and have your credit card ready."
Mr. Peter Aranoid, spokesman for a government security agency (whose name must be kept secret), declared yesterday: "Last month we successfully beta-tested the visa requirement for TCP/IP traffic originating from certain countries the US doesn't like. At that time, this measure, which any patriotic American should consider as rational and prudent, drastically reduced the volume of spam, malware and other terrorist acts from 100% to 99.9997%."
"Once the visa requirement is enforced for all foreign countries, we expect an even more dramatic reduction in malware, from 99.9997% to 99.9991%. This will potentially save the lives of billions of people, especially innocent children. While we experienced some minor problems during testing, mostly due to a slight 14000% increase of Internet traffic required by the activation tasks, we think we can overcome them by confiscating bandwidth from inside enemies, such as Humorix."
He continued, "Lately, however, we have discovered that patented features, such as buffer overflows, can occur in hardware routing equipment, thus allowing all those long-hair commie terrorists the ability to circumvent our checks and access valuable intellectual property they are not worthy of."
Mr. P. Aranoid was speaking about an incident last month in which two Serbian young men were kidn... err, arrested, given a fair trial lasting three minutes in front of a Redmond judge, and then immediately deported to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. They were accused of "first degree cybertrespassing": By crafting a special IP packet, apparently designated for a server in Botswana, they triggered a buffer overflow in a router located in Pasadena and redirected the HTTP request, thus obtaining illegal access to their Yahoo mailbox.
"This is unacceptable," Aranoid said. "If we don't act now, the terrorists will have won. Congress has appropriated $1.9 billion to GESTAPO to research new ways to stop illegal terrorist activity on the Internet, all in the name of freedom. We will prevail."
As expected, not everybody is happy with this measure. "After two hours of brainwashing, I can understand that I need a visa to access the Microsoft or SCO Group website -- I take this humiliating procedure as a punishment for wanting to go there in the first place," declared a Romanian Linux zealot. "But I cannot deal with the fact that I have to undergo the same [expletive] when trying to access my favourite German open source newsgroup, just because my [expletive] ISP bought bandwidth from Verizon."
We wanted to contact Mr. Linus Torvalds for an opinion, but apparently his response was rejected for lack of an entry visa. We are trying to use the only protocol not yet regulated by such demen... err, enhanced security procedures, namely the Carrier Pigeon Internet Protocol. We will publish Mr. Torvalds' answer as soon as our transport medium returns. If it does.