Dateline 2007: Humorix Becomes Second Largest Media Company
Fake News written by on Wednesday, March 3, 2004
OMNICOMM CITY (FORMERLY NEW YORK CITY) -- Now that every media company in the United States has merged to form Omnicomm (NYSE: BORG), low-budget Linux humor site Humorix (Nasdaq: FAUX) remains the only holdout not assimilated into the collective.
"Unlike everybody else, we've managed to avoid a hostile takeover," explained Dr. G. E. Trich, Humorix's Investment Relations Officer and Executive Book Cooker. "Last week, the other remaining standalone company, Clear Channel Radio, was sucked into the bottomless pit of Omnicomm. So Humorix is now Number 2!"
Omnicomm was created two years ago from the merger of DisneyComcastABC and TimeWarnerMurdoch. The snowball created by this union continued to grow at an exponential rate with the acquisitions of ViacomDirectTV, XMSiriusAdelphia, NewYorkTimesNationalEnquirer, AssociatedPressVerizonBellATTSprintMCI, MGMParamountPBS, and many others. Even MicrosoftVerisignApple was sucked into the company, despite Bill Gates' attempt to avoid the takeover by creating his own country from vacant land in Nevada.
An anonymous source at Humorix admitted earlier today that Omnicomm has offered to acquire the company for a "undisclosed sum, somewhere in the neighborhood of two digits". It seems doubtful that Humorix will accept this offer, especially since the Humorix CEO said last month, "I'd rather make a deal to buy the Brooklyn Bridge from some shady mafia guy than to make a deal with Omnicomm."
Profits at Humorix increased substantially in the last year (from $0.00 to $4.23) after the company contracted with Vanity Press, Inc. (later assimilated), to publish a collection of stories from the Humorix archives. Sales of the book, "Humorix: World Domination, One Joke At A Time", have been brisk, with nearly five orders placed on Amazon.com (later assimilated). However, with every publisher and bookseller now under the Omnicomm vice, the future for Humorix is murky.
Humorix does have one ace up its sleeves. "After Omnicomm acquired Microsoft, they migrated all of their computers to Windows DE [Dumbed-down Edition]. It's only a matter of time before the whole system running the Omnicomm Empire bluescreens and the company goes 404," Dr. Trich explained. "Then we'll be ready to make our move."