Feds Unveil Practical Method To Combat Spam

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, March 8, 2004

from the this-dept-name-left-intentionally-blank dept.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an effort to drum up public support for its Orwellian surveillance programs, the FBI and CIA today announced a new project to employ the Carnivore and Echelon spy systems to help combat spam.

"It's such an ingenious system I can't believe nobody has thought of it before," explained Special Agent Lee Thullweppon. "Basically, we use our spy toys to track down every instance in which a gullible idiot purchases something from a spammer. After compiling a list of every clueless Internet user in the country, we can then publicly humiliate them."

In addition to publishing the names and email addresses of these suckers, the FBI will also turn over their database to the FCC, which is publishing a Please-Do-Spam list that will be distributed to spammers.

"If a spammer has access to a list of millions of clue-impaired users, they won't need to bother sending spam to anybody else," Thullweppon argued. "It's a win-win-win situation. The clueless users will continue to receive you-know-what-lengthening promos and get-rich-quick come-ons (which they obviously like), the spammers will continue to receive boatloads of money for being vile scum, and everybody else will be able to use email again without fearing that their keyboard's DELETE key will stop working due to overuse."

Reaction to the new program has been mixed. "We need to destroy spammers, not help them make more money," said one irate user who has stopped using email altogether and may only be contacted by Avian Carrier at the coordinates 37.715833 N, 91.719722 W.

"A better solution is to make it legal to commit identify theft against known spammers in order for spam victims to recoup some money," the irate user continued. "Perhaps Carnivore could track down the social-security numbers of every spammer, and then this information could be distributed to spam victims through some kind of lottery system."

Another user said, "I'm far more worried about George Orwell than I am about Alan Ralsky. Just wait until political parties get their hands on this list of gullible fools -- the Republican and Democratic Parties will both have a field day with such information!"

However, one person we interviewed, Mr. Sy Cofant of Falls Church, Virginia, was ecstatic about the news. "With all of the information that the government has collected in order to protect freedom, it's good to see that they can now protect us from spam. I can't wait until they devise a way to automatically prepare our tax returns for us, a move that would protect us from paperwork and allow us to spend more time with our beloved children. Isn't technology great?"

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