Tuxissa Victims Sued By You-Know-Who
Fake News written by on Tuesday, March 30, 2004
SOMEWHERE IN UTAH -- As part of their ongoing strategy to surpass Microsoft as the world's most evil corporation, The SCO Group today filed several thousand new lawsuits against victims of the Tuxissa computer virus. As both regular Humorix readers will remember, the Tuxissa virus infects Windows machines and silently upgrades them to Linux -- without paying royalties to SCO.
In a press release issued today, SCO's Minister of Information stated, "For the last several months, we have generously offered a steep 0.2% discount on our Linux licenses for viral-based distributions such as Tuxissa. But despite this magnanimous offer, the makers of Tuxissa continue to distribute their software in clear violation of our well-established intellectual property rights. We have taken proactive steps to end this outrage..."
SCO compiled the list of Tuxissa users with the help of the newly deployed Organized Real-time Worldwide Electronic Listening Layer (ORWELL), a protocol included in IPv666. One SCO representative, a Mr. Schpokes Weezull, said, "We would like to thank our master... er, sponsor... er, I mean, a... ummm... a certain patriotic Redmond-based company that innovated the IPv666 system which made all this possible."
"Up until now most people with a Tuxissa infection on their machines were unaware that they were actually using Linux instead of Windows," explained Weezull. "The friendly letters sent out by our legal department should educate these users and rectify the situation. If we cannot settle these lawsuits to our liking, we are prepared to dispatch our own virus which will seemlessly upgrade Tuxissa machines to SCO Unix while automatically deducting a large amounts from the users' bank accounts (another bonus feature of IPv666)."
One SCO official said strictly off the record, "Somehow, I feel a bit sorry for these people -- most of them are just a bunch of flaming clueless users, having no idea that they don't actually run Windows. I even doubt that they know what Linux means (some kind of comic strip character, maybe?). However, we had to think of our lawyer's children."
Indeed, Mr. Hal Fwit, 41, office manager, admitted: "Yeah, now that you mention it, I remember that, one day, all the dancing paperclips, never-ending wizards, search dogs and strange bluescreens suddenly disappeared. However, I was still able to browse my adult dating website all day long without any trouble, so why bother thinking of about it?"
SCO has also tracked down the authors of Tuxissa, which were on the top of the company's Most Wanted list (followed by that master thief, Linus Torvalds, who first stole Unix's intellectual property from an unsecured FTP server in the late 1980's and then passed the code off as his own).
"We are currently holding the Tuxissa troublemakers in our top-secret tortur... er, negotiation room," announced Mr. Weezull. "Hopefully we can reach a mutual agreement in which they purchase at full price 100,000 SCO Linux licenses in exchange for not being deported to the bottom of the Arctic Ocean (our Pacific Ocean deportation office is currently experiencing a backlog)."
"In addition to Tuxissa users," Weezull added, "we also have our sights set on those freaky long-haired Marx-loving hippies residing on Humorixia, the island nation in which practicing law is punishable by stoning with AOL discs. However, our specially trained CDE (Coup D'Etat) elite paramilitary unit will soon infiltrate the Humorixia Dictatorship and bring liberty, democracy and frivolous lawsuits to the country. No longer will these oppressed Humorixians be forced to live without lawyers. It will be a great day for liberation."
Some commentators have speculated about what group could be the next target. The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) reports that The SCO Group is preparing a massive operation against dogs, coyotes, jackals, wolves, werewolves and other species that dare to bark without paying any royalties to the SCO Legal Department (according to patent #52864149345678).