Microsoft Unveils "Perfect" Anti-Spam System
Fake News written by on Thursday, May 6, 2004
REDMOND, WA -- If you thought Clippit the Dancing Paperclip was annoying in previous versions of Office, just wait until it reaches the desktop of Windows MT (Microsoft Technology), formerly code-named "Longhorn". As part of a new initiative to eliminate spam from email, Microsoft will instead deliver spam messages directly to the desktop using Clippit as a spokessprite.
"Spammers will no longer need to resort to using email, a horrible medium for delivering advertising. Now they can send their messages directly to the user's screen with Windows MT," explained a Microsoft brochure.
Microsoft demonstrated the new patent-pending system last week at AssimilCon '04 in Redmond ("The Premier Convention For Members of the Microsoft Collective"). During one demo, the presenter logged in to his online banking site with Internet Explorer and then Clippit appeared and said, "I see your bank account is running low. Would you like to apply for a low-interest loan from FlyByNightLoans2004.com?"
The Microserf giving the demo boasted, "As you can see, this is a much more targeted, user-friendly advertising experience than ordinary spam email. Once spammers can pitch their valuable services to users from within Windows, they will no longer need to send out any unsolicited email. Won't it be nice to have an uncluttered email inbox? That's what Microsoft will achieve."
The presenter added, "Thanks to all of the ad revenue that we will generate from this program, Microsoft will be able to offer Windows MT Home Edition for the unbelievable low price of only $199.95, a 50% savings. Of course, the license agreement will prohibit the user from tampering or disabling Clippit in any way, but that's a small price to pay for innovation."
During another demo limited to attendees over the age of 18, the presenter started to pull up a porn website when Clippit danced on the screen and said, "I see you are typing with one hand. Would like to have your penis enlarged?" The presenter tried to make a joke by saying, "No, I work for Microsoft but I'm not micro soft" (even most of the Microsoft groupies in the audience thought this joke was lame). Next Clippit asked, "Well, would you be interested in purchasing V1agr5 without a prescription?"
Microsoft has already inked deals with several big-name spammers to sell desktop advertising. Said one industry pundit, "Some of these companies are disreputable now, but I predict their partnership with the world's greatest software innovator will bolster their reputation and earn goodwill from users who will no longer wear out the DELETE keys on their keyboards from deleting so much junk email."