The Horrible, Terrible Tinfoil Hat Conspiracy

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, May 16, 2004

from the can't-keep-track-of-the-meta-levels dept.

In a shocking discovery, the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has learned that the US government has been operating a secret radar system for the last decade capable of tracking individual crackpots wearing tinfoil hats.

"Tinfoil hats produce a very distinct signature when probed by Doppler weather radar," said the researcher who developed the system. "By tracking these returns over time, we can compile an extensive geospatial database of the movements and activities of conspiracy theorists across the country."

The developer of the system contacted the Vast Spy Network anonymously by sending encrypted RFC 1149 packets. He decided to reveal the secret after hearing about this year's annual Connecticut Conspiracy Convention (ConnConCon), attended by several thousand crackpots, many sporting metallic headwear.

"My guilty conscience prompted me to do something to help those poor bastards, who stubbornly believe that a lousy piece of foil can protect them from the government," he said. "But the whole idea behind tinfoil hats was actually planted by the government to make it easier to track these people."

The CIA, FBI, NSA, DOJ, TSA, and various other three-letter government "security" agencies all have a vested interest in controlling the burgeoning popularity of conspiracy theories.

"Right now it's fashionable to be a crackpot," said Mennon Black, the chief of Humorix's Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm). "This could pose a severe threat to you-know-who, especially if the public learns about the government's involvement with the saucer people and reverse vampires. But with the tinfoil tracking system, any conspiracy theorist who tries to divulge the truth will suddenly have a terrible accident involving 300 pounds of sulphuric acid."

More importantly, however, the tinfoil data can be correlated with other anti-privacy databases to produce an accurate computer simulation showing how various conspiracy theories spread. "Does anybody really believe that the government is funding multi-million dollar supercomputers to similate the weather? Oh, please," explained one leading Vast Spy Network crackpot who protects himself from mind-control rays by living 24/7 in a Faraday cage. "The real mission is to study meme propogation, so that the government can subvert the process and spread bogus conspiracy theories that will lead people away from the sinister truth."

Not everybody is buying the tinfoil conspiracy, however. The organizer of the Connecticut Conspiracy Convention said, "This whole thing was obviously planted by a government agent to fool people into thinking that tinfoil hats are bad. Obviously, the government wants people to stop wearing these devices, which will allow mind-control rays to work more effectively. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you with a meta-meta-conspiracy."

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