ISPs Start Blocking Port 80

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, June 23, 2004

from the but-we-can-still-use-port-0x50 dept.

SILLYCON VALLEY, CA -- In an effort to put an end to pop-up ads, cross-site scripting attacks, viruses distributed by web-based email, url obfuscation hacks, and other scourges of the modern Internet, several large ISPs have decided to attack the source: Port 80.

"We've been blocking Port 25 traffic for years to prevent spam, so it only makes sense to also shut down Port 80," explained one executive for the national ISP iWorldAccessLinkeComOnline. "While this new policy may cause some minor inconvenience, it is the only tool in our remaining arsenal capable of stopping all of this crap..."

One smaller ISP, TimbuktuOnlinePortalSynergy.com, enacted an anti-80 policy last month and has experienced tremendous success. "Our customers love the ability to go online without inadvertantly downloading spyware," said one company executive. "My question is, why didn't we think of this earlier?"

Another provider has taken a different approach and limited each customer to so many HTTP requests per hour. "We don't want to completely block Port 80, but we do feel that 640 requests should be enough for anyone," explained the CEO of eSuperhighwayPortalInteractive.com.

Various interest groups have come out in favor of the new policy. "It's about time we impose some order on the anarchistic Internet," ranted one RIAA lobbyist. "Now it will become that much more difficult for pirates to find and download P2P software. This is the day we've always dreamed about..." He added under his breath, "And we didn't even need to bribe any Congressmen to make it happen!"

The Chinese government issued a statement saying, "This is the perfect remedy for enforcing patriotism and protecting the children from American lies." One Christian advocacy group announced, "This will put an end to pornography and will do wonders for saving the children." The DOJ said, "This development will stifle terrorism and provide added safety for the children."

In related news, Google.com today officially changed its name to Google Dot Com Colon Eighty-Eighty.

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