Windows Reinstallations In About An Hour

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, July 1, 2004

from the lower-total-cost-of-ownership-my-ass dept.

TACOMA, WA -- With 6 stores already in operation and 50 more planned, entrepreneur Eric Gelding has discovered the perfect money-making operation: fixing broken Windows installations while customers wait.

"We've all seen the promises of eyeglasses in about an hour, of 60 minute photo labs, and of 15 minute oil changes," Gelding said. "So why not computer fixes while you wait?"

The business idea is rather creative, although the name, "Window Washers, Inc.", is certainly not. For a small fee, Gelding's legion of reinstallation experts will backup up your data and programs, wipe all of the malware from the hard drive, install a fresh copy of Windows, and restore your personal files.

"When you use Windows, regular maintenance is a must," he said. "Just think of our Wapid Window Wiping(tm) service as an oil change for your computer. Sure, you might be able to go without an oil change in your car for a long time, but eventually things will catch up to you. The same is true for Windows. I recommend 3 months or 30 reboots between services."

Gelded developed the idea after his father called one day and said that his computer was running slower than molasses on a glacier during a George Dubya Bush speech.

"It was obvious that my dad -- who for some inexplicable reason refuses to use anything except Internet Explorer and Outlook Express -- had managed to infect his PC with an overflowing amount of malware. It was then that he said, 'My car has millions of moving parts and yet I don't have to put up with crap like this. Why are computers so damn fragile?'"

"By the end of the week, the first Window Washers store was in operation," he concluded.

Business has been booming, prompting Gelding to temporarily change his guarantee to "Reinstallations In About Three Hours" because of the long line of customers that spill out of the waiting room each day. He hopes that he can open new locations fast enough to satisfy demand before any competing businesses start to emerge.

However, Gelding's biggest fear is not competition, but non-Microsoft operating systems. "If Linux and Mac OS X gain marketshare, then my pool of potential customers will shrink. Long live Microsoft and insecure computing!"

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