Let's Play "Name That Code!"

Fake News written by James Baughn on Saturday, July 10, 2004

from the the-ultimate-rigged-quiz-show dept.

Announcer: Hello and welcome to "Name That Code!", the game show that challenges geeks to identify blocks of well-known source code. But first, here's a word from our sponsor, The SCO Group:

Barl McDride: At SCO, we strive to innovate new paradigms in protecting valuable intellectual property for our shareholders and Micros... er, our valued partners. Every dollar you spend at SCO is a dollar that will protect Capitalism from the onslaght of barbarian pinko-commie European code-fascists. Support SCO... Protecting The American Dream With Appropriate Litigation(tm).

Announcer: And now, let's meet our contestants. Up first is Linus Torvalds, the alleged inventor of the Linux kernel.

Torvalds: Alleged? What does...

Announcer (interrupting): And second is Greg Glepp, a programmer for The SCO Group.

Glepp: It's good to be here.

Announcer: And finally we have Ben Krown, the leading expert in intellectual property forensics, a published author, and the member of a well-known public-policy think tank, the Alexis de Some Guy Institute.

Krown: I'm happy to be here. This show provides the perfect demonstration of the value of free-market Capitalism, something the first contestant doesn't understand.

Torvalds: Hey, wait a minute, this is a set-up...

Announcer (interrupting again): Let's play "Name That Code!"

[A giant screen drops down, revealing the following code:]

 volatile void panic(const char * s) { 	printk("Kernel panic: %s

",s); for(;;); }

Announcer: For $128, name that code!"

Torvalds (buzzes in): I wrote that... that's from kernel/panic.c in Linux kernel 0.01!

Announcer: Wrong. Anybody else?

Krown: That's from an early version of Minix.

Announcer: Closer, but not quite. Glepp, do you know it?

Glepp: Oh, that's from SCO Unix, and was stolen by both Minix and Linux, those thieving bastards!

Announcer: Correct, for $128!

Torvalds: This is an outr...

Announcer (interrupting): Now, for $256, where does this block of Perl code come from?

 sub patented_sort {    while( !is_sorted( @_ ) ) {       random_shuffle( @_ );    }    return @_; } 

Torvalds: That looks like something Microsoft would write... maybe from Windows 95.

Announcer: Wrong.

Krown: Oh, that's definitely from an early version of Minix, and I can't believe Torvalds can't recognize the same crappy code he deliberately copied into Linux.

Torvalds (shouting at Krown): Hey!

Announcer: That's not correct either.

Glepp: I've seen that code before... it's from the sort command in recent versions of SCO Unix. Of course, that code is patented, and I wouldn't want Torvalds here to get any ideas about stealing it.

Announcer: Absolutely correct, you now have $384! Now look at this code:

 #define EPERM    1  /* Operation not permitted */ #define ENOENT   2  /* No such file or directory */ #define ESRCH    3  /* No such process */ #define EINTR    4  /* Interrupted system call */ #define EIO      5  /* I/O error */ #define ENXIO    6  /* No such device or address */ #define E2BIG    7  /* Arg list too long */ #define ENOEXEC  8  /* Exec format error */ #define EBADF    9  /* Bad file number */ #define ECHILD  10  /* No child processes */ 

Torvalds: That's from the errno.h header file of just about every version of the Linux kernel.

Announcer: Nope. Anyone else?

Glepp: It's from the errno.h file in SCO Unix -- which was then stolen by every other Unix system, including Linux. Those bastards!

Torvalds: You know, my wife is a martial arts master, and if this keeps up...

Announcer (interrupting yet again): Correct again, Glepp. You've got a commanding lead of $896 as we go into the second round! But first, these messages from our sponsors...

Voiceover: At the Alexis de Some Guy Institute, we're working on many compelling projects in the public interest: finding a cure for cancer, developing a permanent Middle Eastern peace plan, and writing a complete history of computer operating systems proving once and for that many so-called programmers are actually bald-faced liars and thieves. With your donations, we can continue our good work. Donate today!

Second voice: When you've got commies breathing down your neck, then you need to write us a big fat check, otherwise our enemies will turn the industry into a wreck, and the American dream will go to heck. Buy stock in The SCO Group today!

Announcer: And we're back. This next question is worth $1,024.

Torvalds: Before that, can I just say one thing? This is the biggest [expletive] load of [expletive] [expletive] in the [expletive] history of [expletive] [expletive]!!! I wrote Linux completely from [expletive] scratch, dammit!

Richard M. Stallman (sitting in audience, yelling): That's GNU/Linux, buddy!

Torvalds: Oh, the humanity! Make it stop! I can't... can't... can't... take...

[Linus Torvalds wakes up in a cold sweat]

Torvalds: Now that was a terrible nightmare.

[His alarm radio turns on]

Radio announcer: ...And in other news, the US Congress today voted to require all software programmers to obtain $100,000,000 worth of liability insurance before releasing any programs whatsoever. The legislation, lobbied heavily by Microsoft as a way to stem the tide of recent software thefts, is seen as a show-stopper for Linux, which according to a recent book is a total rip-off of...

Torvalds: [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive]!!!

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