US Downsizes Court System

Fake News written by James Baughn on Tuesday, July 20, 2004

from the rapidly-inflating-balance-sheets dept.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an effort to streamline the judiciary and save money, the US Congress today passed a bill that would reorganize the legal system and radically alter the way civil court cases are decided.

Instead of wasting time on such trivial matters as "the rule of law", "the preponderance of the evidence", or "the pursuit of truth", the new and improved Legal System 2.0 will instead measure one factor: net worth. The party with the most money will automatically win every case.

"We'll be able to save millions each year by eliminating obsolete judges and legal clerks," explained Senator Richard Tater (D-Hollywood's Back Pocket). "And yet most people won't be able to tell the difference."

The system will not be able to completely eliminate judges and juries, however. "Not everybody will agree on the total net worth of each party," Tater said. "So judges and juries will need to settle issues such as whether a tax shelter in Bermuda counts as an asset or not. But even with this overhead, the new downsized system will be much more streamlined, efficient, and business-like. And isn't that what America is all about?"

Some legal experts were skeptical about the new scheme. "This will only encourage businesses to merge together so they can win more lawsuits," explained a professor at the prestigious Northern Idaho School for Creative Legal Theories. "This will then give an excuse for the government to become even fatter so that it can keep up with the net worth of corporations. And then individual consumers will get so fed up of losing 100% of lawsuits that they will band together to form Lawsuit Defense Unions."

A spokesperson for the EFF said, "If you were the mother of the senior prom date of the guy who later was the roommate of the hacker who developed the programming language that was used by an evil pirate to create an illegal program that made it possible to play DVDs under Linux, then you might as well bend over now and prepare for the inevitable lawsuit that you won't be able to win."

On the bright side, for the first time in recorded history, The SCO Group issued a press release suggesting it might lose its lawsuits. "If this Legal System 2.0 goes into effect, then we will suddenly lose our lawsuit against IBM, the evil 800-pound gorilla of the computer industry. This just isn't fair..."

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