Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #33,554,432

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, August 30, 2004

from the they're-out-to-get-your-bandwidth dept.

In what could be the most sinister Microsoft conspiracy theory ever concocted (until we make up another one next week), the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm) has discovered that Microsoft has been pressuring broadband Internet providers to intentionally provide lousy service.

"The Evil Empire has a vested interest in making sure broadband deployment takes as long as possible," explained Humorix's chief conspiriologist, Mennon Black. "If you've ever thought trained monkeys could do a better job of running an ISP, now you know why."

The more people that are still stuck with dial-up Internet, the less likely they will download and experiment with Linux. They will also be less likely to download pirated copies of Windows and other Microsoft software. And most importantly, a Windows machine using dial-up is less likely to suffer security breaches than a Windows machine with a broadband connection that remains always on.

"If you said that 'Windows security is an oxymoron', you would be making the understatement of the century," Black said. "A Windows computer connected to the Internet with broadband is even less secure than leaving your home's doors unlocked and erecting a giant billboard out front that says, 'Attention, Burglars! Come Right In -- No Security System, Easy Access Doors and Windows!'"

"Of course," he continued, "Microsoft knows this, and that's why they want people to keep using dial-up."

Microsoft is also concerned about how easy it is to download Linux ISOs over a high-speed connection. "If you tried to download Mandrake over a modem, the progress bar would move about the same speed that grass grows. And that's exactly what Microsoft wants -- dial-up connections make it much harder to experiment with Linux."

Meanwhile, Microsoft has intentionally added bloat to each successive version of Windows to keep ahead of pirates. "Why do you think Excel had a flight simulator in it?" Black asked. "That easter egg was just one of many ways that Microsoft programmers used to triple the size of the program, making it hard to download over a slow connection. But if everybody has access to a T1 line, then bloat is no longer a deterrent."

"It's a very insidious system," said Mr. N. Saine, assistant conspiriologist. "Microsoft approaches large ISPs and convinces them to only hire MCSEs as installers and tech support reps. These people are unable to troubleshoot and fix even minor network problems, but are very good at passing the buck. This ultimately causes many customers to give up and revert back to AOL.

With many countries now surpassing the United States in broadband usage, some governments have offered to provide foreign aid to the US in order to kickstart the country's lagging Internet infrastructure. Of course, these foreign officials are not aware of the actual reason behind America's online stagnation.

"We'd be happy to provide the US with funding and technical expertise to help them enter the 21st Century," explained a government official from Latvia. "It would be our honor to provide such a worthwhile humanitarian effort," he added before bursting into ironic laughter.

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) is still trying to piece together the details behind this and other Microsoft conspiracy theories. Check back later as we continue to make stuff up... er, conduct more serious research into this matter.

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